Friendship: the second income

Nikki Jagerman

There are things that some have lent out that they will never see again. That’s a friend-tax. It’s that sweater that your friend had to borrow one night a really long time ago and you never got it back, or the towel your buddy left in the car two summers ago, so now you use it.

It’s not just friends either. Sometimes it’s a sibling-tax, or worse, a relationship-tax. With friends, you can usually just call them out on it or conveniently pick up your stuff when you’re hanging out. Sibling-tax refunds are usually obtained by technically stealing, but not really, because it was yours in the first place. Forget anything that has been relationship-taxed. It’s not worth it.

Frienemy-taxes are, for sure, the most gratifying. Example: two girls are BFFs, then they aren’t talking anymore. You know how it goes. So Friend A lent Friend B this hot and spicy dress to go out to a club in one night.

Now Friend A spends all her time with the new boyfriend and Friend B feels neglected. Friend B is keeping that dress. No matter how many passive aggressive text messages she gets, she is keeping that saucy little number and getting her own boyfriend in it. Frienemy-taxed.

These days I’m “neither a borrower nor lender be” (with the exception of books because people should read and people should read what I read). You end up eventually breaking even but you’ll never lend out a favorite anything to anyone ever again. The crazy part about the taxing system is the mental tab that you have on everyone you ever lent anything to and never got back.

It’s really awkward to call someone out on a friend-tax. The whole process has that uncomfortable Indian-giver feel that makes you embarrassed for even remembering.

So if you’re thinking of breaking it off with Honey Bunches because they have the Herps, it’s time put everything you own in a box to the left because you’re about to get taxed.