April Fool’s Special: Not now, ninjas!

Two ninjas in the forest. | Ninja Museum of Iga-ryu

Oh crap. As if we didn’t have enough going on right now, mythically powerful ninjas have been proven real and are terrorizing people all across the greater Orange County area.

On Friday night, March 27, after 10-year-old Damian Trout opened an ancient book from 1100s feudal Japan that he found in his great grandfather’s attic and whispered the ancient incantation that clearly warns you about mythically powered ninjas coming to life, mythically powered ninjas have come to life.

And they are not happy. Like, at all.

Think of the ninja from “Ninjago” if they had a baby with Batman. Yup, it’s that bad. Unsuspecting Orange County residents have been surprise-attacked in their own homes and overwhelming hospitals with broken bones, bizarre cuts, bruises and chops.

“We’ve had to remove several throwing stars, daggers and katanas,” said nurse Leo Randall from the Providence Mission Hospital in Mission Viejo. “We’ve even had to call in specialists to release pressure points to ‘unparalyze’ some patients.”

Orange County police have released in a recorded statement Sunday that they have been too slow to catch any of the “Silent Suburbans,” a name officers around the department have been referring to the ninjas as.

“We’ve only been able to confirm their existence by replay of ring and surveillance cameras but by the time we show up, they’ve disappeared in the night,” said Orange County Sheriff Craig Blonsky during the statement. “They’re making complete fools out of us, I don’t know why we gave them a cool name.”

As for Trout, the De Portola Elementary school student claimed he had no idea that the incantation was going to spawn the Silent Suburbans, and referred all further questions to his lawyer.

Victims from the attacks have called it the scariest and strangest moment of their lives. Having zero training in ancient martial arts, families have been rendered defenseless by the Silent Suburbans’ awesome power.

Authorities are urging residents to lock and arm doors, windows and anything that extremely flexible ninjas may be able to squeeze through, in this case being vents, trash shutes and even kitchen sink holes.

“We were just doing the dishes after dinner, my wife and I,” said Gary Furgeson, an Irvine resident. “When out of the sinkhole comes this man in all black swinging his nunchucks in my face! My wife had already fainted and I was knocked out cold.”

The ninja remained completely silent during these attacks, but when one resident asked why they were terrorizing innocent people, one ninja spoke for the first time in supposedly hundreds of years. The footage from their surveillance camera was able to capture audio from the scene.

“You try being a drawing of ninja trapped in an ancient book for hundreds of years!” shouted the ninja. “It’s so cramped in there! We just want to be normal teenagers!”

Hold on, teenagers? This just opened a whole other can of worms.

The police have announced on Tuesday that their new tactic will be leading the Silent Suburbans to an empty home filled with items and activities tempting to teenagers. The house consists of pizza, a Playstation 5, a trampoline and a phone solely for doomscrolling.

Disclaimer: This is an article for April Fool’s Day

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