Parking lot war journal entries

Delgato in full camouflage stands next to her car. (Secret Photographer)

Delgato in full camouflage stands next to her car. (Secret Photographer)

APRIL-FOOLSRoberta Delgato shares her five-day journal log of Saddleback College’s parking battleground

Day 1: I’ve set up my position and have begun my observations. I’m already surprised to discover that the parking lot situation at Saddleback College is more unreal than I was told. There’s a number of militias that have been formed and constantly battling. Even the Lending Love club has their own militia. It’s just a bad situation and already I’ve seen approximately 45 violent incidents at the time of the writing. That’s going to be a hell of a lot of paperwork for the campus police.

Day 2: A fender bender resulted in a Samurai-style sword battle. It ended anti-climatically when the offender pulled out a Desert Eagle handgun and shot his attacker’s sword out of his hands. The other ran faster than Eric Liddell as I swear I could hear him making Curly Howard noises as he evaded gunfire from the victor. Even in this parking lot natural selection is alive and well.

Day 3: Whoever has been keying the car of a member of the school administration won’t be doing so anymore. A sniper from the roof of the math and science building and took out the troublemaker hooligan with expert marksmanship. Apparently someone at the school’s got big pockets as I’ve
found out that the sniper was an assassin.

Day 4: Today I witnessed a horrendous scene. The scene was instigated when a Chevrolet driver snaked his way into a just vacated parking space. A student carpool was about to take it much to their disdain. The argument that followed was short and, without going into explicit detail, it’s a safe bet that the driver won’t be playing the piano for a while. That certainly escalated quickly.

Day 5: Food truck day has brought out all manner of vehicular carnage as students constantly contest for good parking spots. It was so chaotic I can’t describe what I saw nor do I want to. I’ll only say the violence I witnessed makes the battle scenes in “Braveheart” look like a church potluck in comparison. I’m being forced to retreat my position’s been compromised. I’m making a mental personal note never to get a car else I become just as monstrous as the people who inhabit that parking lot from hell.