The horrors of college: A satire

The life of a stressed-out student can turn him or her into a zombie. (123RT)

College is defined as an educational institution or establishment, but that’s for outsiders. As college students, we know very well that college is a chamber of horrors. College freshmen don’t know the horrors that lie within the walls and behind the glass windows with a poster that reads ‘do not post anything on windows.’

The hallways of Saddleback echo with the ‘click’ and the ‘clack’ of girls in heels trying to run to class, late, because they took too long getting ready. The Saddleback College bridge screeches as the tires of a scooter roll over in a rush because the student is late for his ping pong match.

Students trying to balance having a social life, working and going to school is the ultimate horror. They try to refuel and keep their zombie-like state afloat with caffeine, only to encounter run-ins with (save the) bees.

But the caffeine can only keep students awake for so long. Eventually, they end up falling asleep in class when the professor shuts the lights off during a PowerPoint presentation or students will resort to sleeping in the chairs on the third floor of the library between classes as opposed to studying.

As if that weren’t enough, the horrors continue at home. Students can’t take two steps into their homes without being probed about their entire day.

But, of course, the most common horror of them all, procrastination. College students make up 82 percent of Procrastination Nation. Coming home from work or school, watching four hours of Parks and Recreation, eating a whole pizza, taking a nap and then realizing you have six assignments and a 1,000-word paper due in less than two hours is the epitome of college horror. Nothing like deadlines to really amp up the horror in your life.

Whatever college horror you may face in your four years, always remember that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. The best way to get there is drink some tea, slip on your favorite onsie and perhaps hibernate for a semester.

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