APRIL FOOLS: Santa Margarita Water District promotes campaign to stop drinking water

Remnants of our soon to be vanquished county water coming from a public water fountain. (Jacob Tatham/Lariat)

As California’s drought persists with summer lurking around the corner, the Santa Margarita Water District has decided to take more severe measures in order to reach residents.

On Sunday it announced a new initiative asking residents to stop using and consuming water altogether.

They have stated that our gluttonous hydrating has left the state with no other option than to stop using water. There was extra emphasis that what water we have left should only be used for emergency purposes rather than recreation.

“We at the water district just don’t see what’s so great about water anyways,” said James Sanchez, SMWD president. “Studies show that soda, juice and energy drink alternatives taste objectively better, so we don’t see why there should be any backlash.”

Sanchez also noted how water lacks key nutrients such as electrolytes, sugar and corn-starch which he stated are essential components to human health. He said that while water can indeed be refreshing on occasion, in general he thought it to be “boring” and “overrated.”

Along with their push to cut off drinking water, the water district hopes to explore the efficient alternatives to showering, swimming, cleaning and any other activity that may involve the usage of H2O.

“It would actually be saving lives because swimming is much more dangerous that people realize,” Sanchez said. “As far as showering goes, we actually discovered that a simple dab of perfume or cologne instead would save the average individual a considerable deal of time that could be put toward water-free activities.”

The press conference wrapped up with a booth giving out shirts and hats with the slogan “Say No to H2O.” President Sanchez also took the opportunity to plug an advertisement for the local animal shelter, suggesting to worried residents that most dogs would be more than happy to clean dishes and utensils after meals as a free alternative to dishwashing machines.

The feedback from residents has been less than enthusiastic despite the free merchandise. Many have voiced the theory that this movement may be impractical and humans need water to live.

“I mean, it’s proven science,” said local gym owner Kyle Cunningham. “I’ve actually put my house up for sale already. I just hope I can get it sold before people realize they will probably die if they move here.”

Time will tell if scientists are spouting gibberish or if water is indeed important to our survival.

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