APRIL FOOLS: Desperate to rid backlog of condoms, Saddleback health center introduces a delectible way to protect yourself

03/31/2016 April Fools
Snacks or sex? Saddleback health office says their difference is nigh. (Communications Department of Projekt Sex, Lund, Sweden / Creative Commons CC BY 4.0)

Snacks or sex? Saddleback health office says their difference is nigh. (Communications Department of Projekt Sex, Lund, Sweden / Creative Commons CC BY 4.0)

You’ve heard the melodies of musical rubbers, you’ve seen the lights of glow-in-the-dark Trojans, but there’s one thing you’ve yet to experience at the wild, wild, wild campus of Saddleback’s bush—flavored condoms.

Following the unforgettably popular “musical condoms,” Saddleback College’s health center found itself in a position to promote safe copulation in a stylish manner. Their solution? Glow-in-the-dark rubbers.

After many months of unclaimed stockpiles on the health center desk and the campus-wide EasyRubber™ stations, Saddleback’s health center released in an official statement that their glowies were “a massive flop.”

“We only came to deliver an easy way to provide protection. What we need is a fundamental reimagining of the common condom,” said one of Saddleback’s health center representatives.

Administrators are wary. However, Saddleback is one of the first Southern California colleges pioneering the edible rubber flavors.

For such technology, the college’s health center turned to Culinary Department head Leslie Inhigh for some of the most popular flavors amongst students today, looking toward popular electronic cigarette, or “vape” flavors for inspiration.

“We’re proud of what we’re bringing to the table, in some really great flavors, too,” Inhigh said. “Dastardly Dijon, hoisted hummus, gnarly guac and vanilla nutmeg are among a few of the trial flavors introduced this Friday to our lineup.”

Not everyone is as excited to experience a possible backlash. Neighboring colleges’ administration have brought upon the ethical concern of offering a free meal to students that doubles as a means of protective sex, citing Saddleback’s intent of offering the condoms to students for free as “a substitute to real food.”

“I just can’t get enough of the nutmeg flavor,” said Holden McGroin, a sophomore in Mission Viejo.

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About The Author

Julia McCloskey

Julia McCloskey a staff writer at the Saddleback College Lariat. At 19, she is a sophomore at Saddleback and plans to transfer to UCLA with a major in communications. Julia believes the key to a healthy life is a strong belief in oneself and getting off the net.