APRIL FOOLS: Saddleback College passes new rule allowing students to use heroin

This needle was found on the ground after having been used to use heroin. Saddleback College new campus law lets students use heroin freely on campus. (Eric Molina/Wikicommons)

What is your opinion on the new law that allows students to use heroin on campus?

Sincerely,

Your fellow addict

Thanks for writing in fellow addict! We had so many readers write in about the meaning of life to “where do babies come from”, but this heroin law tops the charts!

I 100 percent agree with heroin on campus. There are so many health benefits to using heroin and not to mention the fun factor of using hard drugs!

Think about it: no cancerous second hand smoke, you lose so much weight, and it teaches you how to budget your money. It is a win-win from every angle.

Even on an economic standpoint, you are supporting the dealers who need to make money for their families. Not only the small time dealers are benefiting from the new business, the cartels might just stop kidnapping every white person they see because they might just be potential customers.

The rehabilitation centers are going to be able to help a whole new field of cliental considering so many kids are going to start using the drug. With the new law, rehabs are going to be prospering with business like never seen! If they thought the after math of Woodstock was fantastic, wait until they see the 20 year-olds flooding in from every opening!

I took this question to the quad and had some colorful feedback.

“I think heroin is great,” said Saddleback College student Mia Shafer. “I don’t do drugs often, but when I do, it’s heroin.”

I spent some time with Shafer, asking about her lifestyle and how heroin has affected her life, but she kept asking for money and twitched quite a few times.

Everyone thought smoking cigarettes was bad, hell, Saddleback College even banned chewing tobacco… chewing tobacco! That shit doesn’t even hurt anyone but the user, unless you mistake it for a cup of coke, or a light beer.

Some students said that it is a terrible choice on behalf of the college listing points such as overdosing, dropout rates, and crime in the neighborhood.

Those students are examples of losers with a big fat side order of lame. No, seriously! You didn’t want us to smoke cigarettes or vape, so what were we going to do? The addiction will always be replaced.

I’m actually starting a new initiative allowing cocaine dispensers in the bathrooms around campus! How exciting, am I right? But if you don’t like cocaine, there is room for “molly” and other drugs. Why limit to powder? Health services should provide Adderall at the front desk, encouraging students to stay up late and get their homework done.

Being honest, I’ve taken advantage of the heroin law and have been typing this since last Monday. I can’t seem to stay awake to finish this column, but the doctor said sleep is good!

So for you that oppose, #heroinaddictsmatter and please let us be. Don’t forget to write in for next week’s addition of Share your voice!

Your friendly neighborhood tweaker.

Photo used with CC BY 2.0 license

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