APRIL FOOLS: Spring Cleaning 101

(Marissa Yocham/Lariat)

With spring finally here, the change in seasons sweeping in a fresh start. Knowing where to start can be difficult when it comes to spring cleaning, so here are some tips to help you out with purging your living space.

  1. Take a blow torch to every object in your home to sanitize it. Yes, some objects may be completely incinerated, but that just means you have one less item to clean or cause clutter. And if the item survives, it will be completely germ free.
  2. Want to make your wood table or cabinets gleam? Try a mix of  yellow cake uranium and radium for a more natural sheen. This quick and easy fix will give your wooden furniture a new life without having to spend money on  wood stain, which has far too many harmful chemicals. Your luminous cabinets will have your neighbors glowing with envy.
  3. To get rid of dirt and streaks on your windows, try using sandpaper. It will gently buff away any dirt and will give you a beautiful crystal clear view. A coarse grit sandpaper would be preferable for cleaning, but you could also use a handful of gravel or actual sand to get similar results.
  4. Tired of spending money on dryer sheets? Try using a cinder block to fluff up your towels and blankets. You can even dry your delicate clothing items with it. Cinder blocks are also great at preventing static cling and are reusable. If your dryer is too small to fit a cinder block, try a normal brick.
  5. Dirty garbage disposer? Clean up the gunk with a mixture of hydrochloric acid, a box of nails, industrial strength bleach and lavender oil. The hydrochloric acid with help clear up any clogs, the nails will help loosen up any build up and the mixture of lavender oil and bleach effectively fight odors.
  6. Your computer and electronic devices should also get some TLC during your cleaning spree. Clear your hard drive with neodymium magnets for a squeaky clean that will keep your computer running in tip top shape.
  7. Clean your microwave with a ball of aluminum foil, metal spoons and an unopened can of Diet Coke. Say “goodbye” to caked-on gunk from overcooked leftovers and “hello” to a microwave you could eat out of.
  8. Use coarse salt, glass shards and bleach to clean and polish any of your stainless steel appliances.
  9. Natural stone can be high maintenance when it comes to cleaning. For a gentle but effective clean try mixing hydrogen peroxide, nail polish remover (with acetone), lemon juice, battery acid and a belt sander.
  10. Closet organization can be difficult and expensive. Having to go to Ikea and nearly going crazy from having to put the darn closet organizer together. The most efficient and easy way to keep your clothing organized is using a filing cabinet or if you are stretched for funds, just throw all your clothing into a pile on the floor for easy access and making sure everything  in one place.

Disclaimer: For those oblivious to sarcasm or have not realized that this is the April Fool’s edition, do NOT attempt these at home. If you ignore this warning and find yourself injured, maimed or meet your imminent demise, we are not liable for your lack of common sense and/or stupidity. We nominate you for a Darwin Award.