April Fools: Maisey’s April 1 Rundown

Payton Chung/Flickr

All the news you need to know on local events, culture and entertainment on this auspicious day.

King Kong and Godzilla are actually twin flames

As everyone knows, the twin flame journey is arduous. HBO Max released King Kong vs. Godzilla coincidentally the same day it was released in theaters, and movie critics are shocked by the direction Adam Winegard chose to take the film. King Kong and Godzilla are not battling each other they are, in fact, in love, and on a twin flame journey to trigger each other’s emotional wounds and grow into their higher selves, the Sobe lizard and the spirit of Harambee.

Oprah meets with pet psychic Sonya Fitzpatrick to interview her dead dogs

Oprah, an up-and-coming journalist, had a recent viral moment after her interview with actress Megan Markle and her husband. Her next significant journalistic endeavor was to interview her two dead dogs, Gracie and Sophie. World-renowned pet psychic Sonya Fitzpatrick breached the gap between the two worlds to get the scoop on what went down. But the dogs declined to speak with Oprah and said they have no comment on the incident and that they would appreciate some privacy during this time as their souls travel the River Styx into the abyss of time.

Los Angeles Local Co-op gets their produce from Whole Foods, which gets their produce from fruit stands

Karen Benzo, a local L.A. resident, grazed over the banana section at the Co-Opulent Fruit and Fancy on 89th and Shanty only to find a shocking truth about the co-op. Wednesday evening Benzo decided to stop into Co-Opulent for a few items and saw a Whole Foods sticker on her banana.

“I checked all 149 other bananas, and just the one had a Whole Foods sticker,” Benzo said. “So I bought the banana and took it to the closest Whole Foods.”

Benzo demanded to speak to a manager but was tackled by a security guard and taken to the back of the store. She claims that she was taken 15 floors down to a room filled with televisions monitoring every inch of the store. Benzo has been calling the police from inside that very room but has not been able to leave because Jeff Bezos is holding her hostage, and the LAPD is currently owned and operated by Jeff Bezos.

Vine released the documentary “The Most Expensive Beanie Baby: Fran Alan Oliver Schwartz,” a story about the Beanie Baby empire

The documentary takes an in-depth look at how the greed of a man with a lost inner child had spent the money that was meant to be invested in Ty Warner’s empire. Fran Schwartz, a former hedge fund manager, was in charge of the Beanie Babies stocks and was fired by Ty Warner after buying all of the Beanie Babies. It explains why all Beanie Babies are worthless and how America was cheated by the American dream of loving God, working hard, buying a home, and retiring early by way of investing in stuffed animals.

Donnie Darko Bunny, Frank is seeking redemption this easter

Frank reached out to me one evening after staring aimlessly into my bathroom mirror and asked if he could be the Easter bunny this year. I told him he needs to take that up with God.