April Fools: food for thought on a zombie apocalypse

The transformation from human to zombie is scary as hell. Yohann Libot/Unsplash

A real-life version of World War Z is forecast for this year on the heels of a global pandemic and civil unrest.

Nostradamus was a French astrologer and physician from the 16th century who was reputed to have visions of the future. He predicted an impending zombie apocalypse for 2021. Many of his prophecies are questionable, and some have come to pass, according to historians. Are you prepared for such an occurrence?

The Center for Disease Control has constructed a website and guidelines for use in the event of corpses coming back to eat our brains. The internet is buzzing in fear and anticipation.

Some necessary supplies are food, water—lots of water—first aid kits, tools and medications. You will also want to have a change of clothing so you won’t have the appearance of a resurrected corpse wearing dirty rags. It might also help to keep important documents with you to prove your identity as one of the living.

COVID-19 has been devastating enough, but the uprising of the living dead on the tail of this virus will surely be the end of any return to the normal routine activities of day-to-day life. The theory is that zombies prefer brains for their high levels of serotonin. 

Serotonin produces ‘feel-good effects,’ which may counteract the depression of living as the undead for eternity. Besides, they must feel alienated from society which may cause further agony.

Although the CDC website provides valuable information, here are some more tips:

Befriending the undead could be a survival tactic. Perhaps, inviting one to dinner, it may be a great tactic not to be annihilated by one or worse – getting eaten alive.

People will say that they have family members that like the occasional liver and onions and some who enjoy a raw steak or kidney pie. Grilled venison heart is a rite of passage many deer hunters partake in as well. 

Brains, however, have an immense cultural stigma. The majority of people that eat more common organs will probably cringe at the very suggestion of eating grey matter.

Lamb brains are featured in many recipes by world-class chefs. Forager Chef/Instagram

Jason Holstein is an up-and-coming chef at a farm-to-table restaurant in Irvine, CA. His developing kitchen skills and work with ravenous mobs make him well suited to handle both the living and the undead’s appetites.

“Those rare critics bold enough to speak up will point out that plenty of perfectly good brains are going to waste all around and surely their great nutritional values benefit society more than mediocre cognitive abilities,” Holstein said. “The widely accepted rebuttal to this is that, on the contrary, evidence points not to a surplus of brains but that brains are in shockingly short supply, as is obvious to anyone with half a mind.”

Here are some top-notch culinary recipes for creating delightful and delicious brain meals. Just a note to the chef: brains must be soaked first and then cooked fresh. Frozen brains are not ideal for tastiness.

  1. Simple lamb brains a la creme made with white wine, milk and tarragon served on toast.
  2. Caramelized calf brains made with olive oil, lemons, capers and flour.
  3. Deep-fried brains, made from pork with panko crumbs and herbs fried in oil.

These are just a sampling of meals to entice and satisfy your zombie acquaintances and perhaps make life-long friendships. They may even be able to acquire the brains you need for your new mastery of cooking. But beware—you must not eat those meals, lest you become a zombie yourself.

“Speaking only as one who remains firmly in the camp of the living, I may admit this much,” Holstein said. “If faced with the choice between losing my food service certifications or having my own brain forcibly removed for failure to provide a suitable meal, I would have to keep my head about me.”

Smart teens dress like zombies to avoid recognition. Ekaterina Novitskaya/ Unsplash

Another tip is to dress and act like zombies to confuse or distract them from your humanness. It may be wise to grunt and flail around aimlessly in their presence to further the facade. If you can’t fool them, play dead. That should surely do the trick.

David Levy is a former student at Saddleback College and lives in Mission Viejo. His curiosity was piqued when told about a possible zombie invasion. 

“After about 48 hours of playing League of Legends, I could probably pass for a zombie in my disheveled appearance,” Levy said. “Honestly, zombies don’t scare me, but I’ve never really met one in person. My video games abilities will probably give me an edge in a battle with one, though.”

There is a saying that says, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” so bite the bullet and prepare yourself for the horrific transformation. The changes of clothing and important documents to prove who you are may still come in handy in case the authorities checking you out are zombies too. Either way, you’ll be in bad company.