Illustration by Garret Falke
A step-by-step SB Party guide sent from the Football Gods
He walked slowly up the aisle, clearly plagued by the old age and hundreds of sacks he had suffered over the years. His face paint had started to melt under the scorching sun, drizzling down his flawless cheek bones towards his scruffy, grey, playoff beard. Once the man had reached his destination at the top of Gillette Stadium he abruptly fell upon his weary knees and adjusted his vision towards the sky, awaiting a message from his trusted angel.
“Tom Brady, listen to me my beloved quarterback,” said Coach/Angel Bill Belichick, in his signature monotoned, colorless voice. “Thou shall receive a list of 10 commandments that will assist in hosting the best Super Bowl party of all time. Take these commandments and share them with the masses.”
Some may say that comparing Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady to the biblical prophet Moses is a bit of a hyperbole, however for Boston sports fans, this comparison would not suffice since they view Brady as their messiah.
Furthermore, some haters may even call into question why Brady would reveal this list to me yet nobody else, but that is neither here nor there. Let’s delve into the 10 Super Bowl Party Commandments for all those who have not been enlightened by the football Gods.
1) “Thou shall educate the uneducated prior to arrival.”
Nobody enjoys it when a certain individual asks countless questions throughout the game, unaware of simple football terminology such as interception and touchdown. As a result of this common annoyance at Super Bowl parties, make sure to educate these individuals prior to arrival.
If you are having trouble discussing the game in an understandable manner to a non-football fanatic, simply recite these words: Tom Brady, who has been blessed with an incredible throwing arm, four Super Bowl rings, a supermodel wife, beautiful children, and flawless facial structure is on the Patriots. They will be matching up against the Falcons, and even though the Falcons don’t have any players nearly as attractive as Brady, they are still very very good. Both teams will be looking to score touchdowns – are you ready?
2) “Thou shall not arrive empty-handed.”
We all know that one guy/girl that gets invited to a Super Bowl party, yet decides to show up at your door with nothing but a meaningless smile on their face. If somebody arrives at your residence empty-handed, feel free to uninvite them right there on the spot. You may read this and think, ‘Woah, not cool and not nice,’ but you simply are not understanding the morals behind this action.
Super Bowl parties deviate from the typical kind of gatherings that occur throughout the year. This isn’t Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Cinco de Mayo. Every single person is required to bring some type of food or beverage, or else they are not guaranteed entrance.
3) “Thou shall wear elastic lower garments for any Super Bowl event.”
Despite the fact that not many are aware of this unspoken rule, wearing elastic lower apparel will save your stomach from the suffocation and torturous pain that your (already too tight) jeans would generate. The abundance of food at these parties results in nothing but extreme happiness and joy, so it would be foolish to not come prepared to stuff your stomach to the brim with incredibly unhealthy food.
In order to allow yourself to act as a vacuum and consume food at seemingly impossible rates for a human being, throw on some Costco brand sweatpants and get ready for a grand ole’ time! Besides, what is more American than watching football while eating the type of food that drastically increases the risk of diabetes?
4) “Thou shall not bring up Trump or anything from this past election.”
For one day, please, just pretend everything is going to be alright.
5) “Thou shall wear any kind of football apparel at the party.”
If you have an NFL jersey, even if it isn’t one of the two final teams, make sure to wear it on Sunday. Watching football is more fun when wearing a football jersey, it’s just a simple fact. If this commandment stresses you out, don’t worry; it isn’t necessary to go out and purchase an expensive jersey online.
Any athletic/football apparel will suffice for this big game. Don’t have a jersey, but you possess a 20-year-old headband from your high school track days stashed at the bottom of your sock drawer? Rock it.
Is the only option you have your son’s third grade flag football jersey that doesn’t go any lower than your bellybutton? If so, wear it with pride because watching football requires a fierce dedication to the sport.
6) “Thou shall prepare hilarious tweets and hashtags before the game.”
Don’t have a twitter? Create one, and get ready to engage in social commentary with some of America’s brightest and most intuitive personalities. Don’t raise your guard if one of these individuals’ Twitter handles ends with ‘420’ or includes any other type of vulgar language, these people still may have valuable input to share on the game.
Moreover, make sure you have prepared some trendy and fun hashtags for your tweets. Including #SB51 is essential, but you should think outside the box. Perhaps #TestosteroneRules or #TomBradyCanTouchDownMyWholeBody. Just some ideas.
7) “Thou shall possess dope audio systems in household for game.”
This is a very significant commandment. The audio for the Super Bowl needs to be top-notch, so make sure you are throwing a party that includes speakers dispersed throughout the viewing room. Every fragment of sound is crucial for the viewing experience, whether it be the brutal collision of two ginormous humans maliciously attacking each other, or even Lady Gaga inevitably singing off-key during her halftime performance.
8) “Thou shall not worship false idols.”
Don’t check, but this commandment may have been copied from something else I saw on the internet, however the message is still important for the Super Bowl experience. If Matt Ryan, the Falcons quarterback, has a good game it will be easy and convenient to place him on a pedestal with other legendary throwers of the football, but don’t do this.
Matt Ryan is a good, solid player for his position, but he is nowhere near the Peyton Mannings and Tom Bradys of the world. Making a ludicrous comparison like this would not only frustrate the football Gods, but perhaps more importantly, it would upset me.
9) “Thou shall promote and ensure diversity at a Super Bowl party.”
I am aware that just a few commandments ago I emphatically demanded all Super Bowl party attendees to refrain from getting political, but I am going to briefly ignore my wishes in order to address an urgent issue.
There is a well-known figure in our society who wishes for nothing more than Super Bowl parties across the nation to lack diversity of any kind, strictly sticking to the group that he finds most ideal. He is an arrogant, offensive jerk who only wears red bow ties while sporting a cheesy toupee on the top of his head. If you have been paying any attention at all in the past two years, you know who I’m talking about: the Pringles man.
The Pringles man hopes that all Super Bowl parties will stray away from snack diversity, and instead stick exclusively to his bland, salty chips. But America is better than this! We will make sure to include all chips, no matter their shape, color, or size because snack food diversity is what our country is founded on.
10) “Thou shall remain in a squatted position throughout the game, always ready to instantaneously jump out of one’s seat and exchange high-fives after an amazing moment.”
This commandment, without a doubt, is the most useful piece of advice one could receive prior to a Super Bowl party. Part of the ecstasy and elation that permeates through the air at one of these events is due to the ecstatic reactions that take place following a huge play. This temporary moment of pure bliss, filled with scattered high-fives and awkward chest bumps, is what makes the Super Bowl an amazing experience.
One following this guideline properly will make sure to not ever be lying down or lounging on a piece of furniture. What happens if Tom Brady makes the split decision to double backflip into the end zone while karate chopping his opponents in the face, and you are sprawled out in a lazy, lethargic position? You miss the celebration of a lifetime, that’s what happens.