(Illustrated by Garrett Falke)
On multiple occasions these past two years, politicians have exchanged “fighting words” in the midst of heated arguments. Joe Biden declared that he wishes he could beat up Donald Trump behind a high school gymnasium (very specific I know), and Trump said that John McCain wasn’t a war hero because he got captured. This kind of violent verbiage leads to the debate:
Can my favorite politician kick your favorite politician’s ass?
I decided to conduct a rhetorical Fight Club for elderly politicians, in order to find the answer for this daunting question. This will be calculated through a bulletproof, tried-and-tested formula that nobody besides myself has seen.
The participants in this Fight Club are all male politicians who are all at least 70-years-old, essentially making this tournament a nursing home for hatred and hostility. They are Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders, John McCain, and Joe Biden. This will be scored out of 100 points through the following five categories:
- Category 1 – Athleticism: How athletic is the discussed politician? Exhibited through walking ability, velocity of hand waves, explosiveness while getting up out of chairs, etc. Scored on a scale of 0 to 20.
- Category 2 – Trash Talking Ability: Do they have the ability to get in their opponent’s head through effective trash talk? Trash talk could be viewed anywhere, especially tweets. Scored on a scale of 0 to 15.
- Category 3 – Physical Profile: What is the participant’s listed height, weight, wingspan, hand size, etc. Scored on a scale of 0 to 15.
- Category 4 – Anger/Motivation: Does he possess good reason to be fighting? Does he hate any of his opponents? Is there any serious beef to settle? Scored on a scale of 0 to 20.
- Category 5 – Fighting Experience: Is the listed politician trained in physical combat? Were they ever military members? Have they ever participated in a WWE match? How many fights behind the gymnasium did they get into in high school? Scored on a scale of 0 to 30.
This ranking system is guaranteed to accurately measure just how tough your favorite politicians are. Let’s begin.
Category 1 – Athleticism:
Donald Trump: For his age and size, he is surprisingly nimble. Trump is a very capable, competent, and advanced walker. His lateral quickness and agility while walking is so top-notch that there is a song dedicated to the “Donald Trump Walk.” 16/20.
Bernie Sanders: The man speaks with a profound passion and vigor reminiscent of a Harvard law student, but unfortunately looks like the human embodiment of a turtle when walking. 7/20.
John McCain: To say I was impressed by his athletic abilities would be an immense understatement. This lean, mean 80-year-old machine can do it all. He can wave with the best of them, walk like a soccer mom late to her kid’s game, and dance like a college student on ecstasy at Coachella. 19/20
Joe Biden: He exudes a rare athletic persona for his elderly age. Biden played sports his whole life, and even had the opportunity to play football in college. His most impressive quality is his Muay Thai clinch which he displayed when bear hugging Hilary Clinton with all his strength, refusing to let go for sixteen seconds. 18/20.
Category 2 – Trash Talking Ability:
Donald Trump: He tweeted and insulted his way to the oval office, nearly making Jeb Bush cry during debates. The man even alluded to the possibility of Ted Cruz’s father being involved in the assassination of President John Kennedy, which while completely bonkers, is undeniably hilarious. 13/15.
Bernie Sanders: Although he may lack in the athletic department, the phrase “Feel the Bern” applies directly to the savage burns he directs towards his opponents. Hilary and Trump can be the first ones to attest to this. 11/15.
John McCain: Not known as a politician prone to insulting his comrades over the years, but with old age comes more honesty. This was clear when he referred to dictator Kim Jong-un as a “crazy fat kid.” When The Daily Caller tweeted that North Korea is outraged by his comment, he replied with the most legendary tweet ever. 15/15.
Joe Biden: While he certainly isn’t an Average Joe in regards to his trash talking ability, Biden simply doesn’t exist in the same stratosphere as his opponents. His ability to yell when expressing his frustration is effective, but ambiguously threatening Trump to go back in time to high school to fight is not. 8/15.
Category 3 – Physical Profile:
Donald Trump: Doesn’t stand a chance in this category. He is the heaviest president since William Taft and has been estimated to weigh around 250 lbs., which would likely serve as a significant endurance disadvantage. He also has ridiculously minuscule hands; a major red flag in the fighting world. 3/15.
Bernie Sanders: He is six feet tall and has long arms for his size, benefiting his reach when knocking Wall Street fools out. Body composition suggests that he has stamina and won’t quit too easily (there are other unrelated indicators of this as well). 10/15.
John McCain: While he seems to be in amazing shape for an 80-year-old, his stature puts him at a disadvantage. He is 5’9 and lacks impressive wingspan for his height. 5/15.
Joe Biden: Has ideal height at six-foot and is in great physical shape, showing in his lean build. He possesses the arm length of a retired NFL defensive back. Tremendous genetics. 12/15.
Category 4 – Anger/Motivation:
Donald Trump: While he doesn’t possess a massive amount of motivation to engage in these fights since he won the presidency, his permanent, constant anger will never fade away. However, this anger will have to be transferred into kicking ass, not rage tweeting. 13/20.
Bernie Sanders: Nobody surpasses the 80-year-old socialist in this category. He is agitated 24/7 and always talks in his endearing ‘get off my damn lawn ya dirty hippy!’ tone. After the election for the presidency and senate, nobody is more motivated to fix Washington than Bernie. And the first step may be a brawl with POTUS himself. 20/20.
John McCain: Possesses an adequate amount of anger and a substantive supply of motivation for these battles. One of his opponents claimed that he is not a war hero since he was taken prisoner. His party has seemingly ignored all the ideals he holds dear. This crazy old dude is ready to spar. 18/20.
Joe Biden: He hates Donald Trump, which provides some anger and motivation, but he is publicly good friends with McCain and Bernie. And he is not as heavily involved in the Washington scene as of now, detracting from any potential inspiration to fight. 9/20.
Category 5 – Fighting Experience:
Donald Trump: Living a glamorous lifestyle since birth assisted in his avoidance of significant conflict while growing up, but Trump was still scrappy as a youth. This was exemplified when he attempted to push a peer out of a second story window during a fight. He also got into brutal (completely fabricated) fights in the WWE. But unfortunately, this rhetorical situation centers around real, solo fighting, so he wouldn’t be able to bring Ben Carson, who is highly experienced in stabbing people. 21/30.
Bernie Sanders: There is legitimate proof that Bernie Sanders can fight, and not just for equality. He got into various conflicts with the police while protesting during the 60s. 19/30.
John McCain: He served in the Navy for 23 years, eventually being promoted to Captain. During the Vietnam war he was captured as a POW for over five years, being forced to endure an ample amount of physical and mental torture. Nobody (who is sane) questions McCain’s toughness. 29/30.
Joe Biden: He doesn’t have any military experience, and finding any fighting history for him is nearly impossible. However, he has had to fight through many tragedies in life, which he gets points for. But there isn’t enough tangible evidence to put him over his opponents.16/30.
1st – McCain with 86 out of 100 points.
2nd – Bernie with 67 out of 100 points.
3rd – Trump with 66 out of 100 points.
4th – Biden with 63 out of 100 points.
How it all goes down:
The four get placed in a small Octagon together, physically and mentally preparing for the battle. McCain is going through his stretching routine, Biden is examining the crowd to see if Obama came to watch, Bernie is disgusted by the lack of diversity in the ring, and Trump is tweeting that he is for sure going to win, unless he loses, which would mean that the match was rigged. A referee gathers the four of them in the center to discuss the only rule: no striking or grabbing of the genitalia. One of them argued that this should be permitted since he’s a star, but the ref wouldn’t budge.
Then the match began and punches began flying. Trump started off strong, using his massive frame to bombard his opponents. Bernie remained in a defensive stance, and McCain elusively stuck to the sides of the ring. Biden naively ran straight into the bunch, which resulted in a punch from Bernie in the nose and a kick from Trump in the ribs, forcing him to abort the battle. Next Bernie and Trump faced off, exchanging devastating blows to their aged, wrinkled bodies.
Trump then started to gain leverage over the socialist, beating him to the edges of the ring. Defeat seemed imminent as blood was oozing out of Bernie’s various orifices, so in a last effort he smacked the top of Trump’s head. This caused Trump’s golden toupée to fall towards the ground, so he immediately stopped beating Bernie in order to collect his fraudulent hair. While he was bending over to pick up his wig, McCain emerged from the shadows to roundhouse kick Trump in the face, immediately knocking him out.
Following this brutal obliteration of his opponent, McCain slowly turned his head towards Bernie. The two nodded and grinned at one another, as Bernie rested his head on the ground right before tapping out.
John McCain then raised his hands in glorious victory, as America poured out praise for their beloved, badass 80-year-old senator.