When mombies attack Facebook

Brandon Drey/ Lariat

Let’s face it, Halloween just does not have the same effect as it used to. American culture has become so desensitized from entertainment and politics, the shock value of creepy costumes is elementary at best.

We don’t observe the day in remembering the dead; We don’t recognize those who were martyred for their beliefs; And we sure as hell do not realize that Oct. 31, aka, All Hallow’s Eve, holds certain traditions to practice on this seemingly-disturbing day.

Now if Ghostface, Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger and Pennywise were roaming around the streets on Halloween or any other day for that matter, then yes, O.K. – the shock value would still remain. However, the folklore of these characters is more cartoony than anything else this day and age. We’ve seen it all.

So what could be more horrific during this Halloween season? With social media being prevalent in everyone’s lives, whether you are on it or not, the one thing all human beings must fear is: your mother. That’s right. I said it. We all need to watch our backs because your mom (and mine) are haunting our lives everyday, not just Halloween.

To clarify I am going to tell you a terrifying tale from the tomb. Kids, this the story of how I met all of your mothers.

Once upon a time in a world-wide web far, far away we could hide all those little details of our lives we did not want mom to see. Approving a post you were tagged in on Facebook was unnecessary because we already had the approval of everyone in our network. Posting a photo of the last weekend’s activities were never given a second thought because all the friends who would see the photo were probably in the photo. Most importantly, we could express ourselves however we wanted to without filter.

Then it happened. Mothers began to sign-up. With each click of the mouse, they were one step closer to demoralizing the future.  The horror!

It all began with a friend request. The moment I saw my mothers name with a family photo circa 1991, my heart started to race. The room fell to silence and you could hear the door slowly crick and crack as it slightly moved back and forth. I closed the laptop computer quickly and ran out of the room. It was the first actual sighting of ghosting someone.

Then, my phone buzzed. It was a text-message.

The message read: “I just sent you a friend request on facebook ;-).”

With a sinister winking emoji, it was clear the innocence of the text message was just the beginning of a lifetime of terror. Yet, it was much too soon to know what lain beneath the text.

The night was dark and full of grammatical errors as she lurked in the shadows, stalking my profile. Friending my friends. Commenting on tagged photos of myself. Replying to all my status updates with chastising advice, love notes and/or a glimpse into her life story. She transformed into a Facebook mombie just as a human turns into a zombie when infected with Solanum virus. The disease fully contaminated her the moment she became political on my friends status updates. Everything I hid in the dark from her was exposed in the resolution of the monitor.

It was only a matter of time before the infection spread to me and I would become socially dead inside. The more she scrolled through my feed, the less of a chance I had to survive. Becoming transparent was the key. Like Pennywise, who haunts children’s deepest fears, mombies only terrorize what is in front of them. What momma don’t see won’t get a like or a comment.  

So, I infected myself with the virus by posting family photos, inspirational quotes and retweets from President Trump.  The approval ratings I received from her and her friends were higher than ever.

Mombies share similar traits that are easy identify. They patronize, over-share, and steal the attention away from anything and everything. They destroy potential relationships by making their presence known. They phish for likes/comments by trolling their offsprings network. Worst of all, they take unflattering, blurry pictures of you attached to cliche captions.

Just as zombies roam the streets searching for flesh and blood, mombies stick together and prey on their children’s profiles. Thousands of years from now, the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland will showcase the grand ol’ party with a bunch of old women ghosts. They float back and forth, spellbound by their 1st generation iPhones, virtually scrutinizing all our social media content.

If you have a soft spot for their overbearing involvement in your life, simply filter what they can and cannot see. You can always block them (if you’re savage enough).

Dear mamas, we love you, but this is a life or death situation. If we do not do something to end  this incessant overhaul of disapproval, the future of our social circles, potential romances, prospective careers and cool-factor all around will perish forever. May your social media rest in peace.

Kids, ghost your moms this Halloween season and you’ll surely survive.