April Fools’: Saddleback sports stadium is converting into a faculty bathhouse

Jeliot Stern positioned in a Saddleback bathhouse replica with Tab Letennis enjoying the luxuries on display in set plans for the future of the once sports stadium. (Dylan Robinson (edited)/Lariat)

Plans were announced to turn the upcoming sports stadium on campus into a staff bathhouse as Saddleback shutdown for COVID-19 quarantining. Just when the student and faculty population thought they had put enough effort into the stadium being built, plans changed to become that much steamier.

Saddleback’s very own $55 million expenditure lovechild was to “be home to student athletes engaged in perfecting their talents and pursuing their educational goals,” according to Saddleback’s own website detailing the structure. Jeliot Burn, the school’s co-President of Staff Paloozas, confirmed in a press release directly to the staff here at the Lariat that plans towards this stadium vision were cancelled as running a school requires hot rocks and moist towelettes.

The press release contained a photo direct from Burn’s personal collection showcasing him in an open chest Tommy Bahamas button-down shirt, slide-on sandals, a high-rising towel around his waist and Ray-Ban sunglasses.

“We saw the financial burden of the sports complex as weighing on the strong minds of our educators and students alike here at Saddleback,” Burn said. “Near the point of the original concept’s completion, as we head back to the mundani- highly structured courses we offer to our students, we as a staff deserve an opportunity to unwind and relax on more than just our painkillers at home.”

Burn went on in his release to mention how much more important it was to the minds working at Saddleback to have a haven away from the classroom setting. Various services are offered on campus currently such as a cafeteria and multiple coffee stands, yet none are equipped with specialized masseuses trained in Japan.

Energy concerns were detailed as no longer would the school be recouping the stadium investment with additional sporting events overtime. Burn dispelled any supposed notion of concern stating that while staff will have an allotment of one public visit every week against his private, unlimited use, extra funding will be put into the campus’ own power plant making sure its workers are equipped with many new state-of-the-art water pumps. Roast beef sandwich platters, additionally provided, to keep them from revealing extra plans to the press.

“Facilities encompass personal massages, public hot springs albeit watch for wet towel thwacks (ouch!) and water slides replete with mineral water as your landing basin,” Burn said. 

Staff will take a paycut as a result to continue extended funding of the Saddleback bathhouse. If enough staff protest, as Burn anticipates, he will concede offering half the cut back in addition to double the visits per week.

“If you go in there and don’t come out smoother than the brains of many of those who oppose my plans, then you got your money back,” Burn said, despite there being no money involved for bathhouse-goers.

Some staff believe Burn is out of touch and approaching the new plans too haphazardly. Ping-pong coach, Tab Letennis expressed concern over how there will be no further room for his plans to utilize the sports stadium over the weekends for his family ping-pong tournaments.

“It’s kind of a downer to see plans shift so suddenly,” Letennis said. “I really wanted to get approval to host my very own life-long sought goal of ping-pong tournaments here for my family and any prospective students, but Burn had different things in mind for this ambitious sports stadium.”

Letennis added that winners of his tournament series would be treated to one free dinner at Olive Garden nearby and a pair of freshly knitted socks by his mother, Parque Letennis. The opportunity to limber up his joints excited Letennis, however, just not the aspect of sharing the facilities with what he deemed coaches of lesser sports.

Plans will move as expected and any students looking to join in on festivities once the facility opens will need to do so in exchange for their semester parking pass, a “tough choice indeed,” Burn detailed in his release. 

Saddleback sophomore Di Sgruntled does not see the bathhouse functioning long term and wishes the stadium would have converted into a parking lot after such a long and flounderous wait. 

“I like..love this school y’know and like already have trouble parking after like picking up my triple shot espresso venti decaf vanilla bean latte,” Sgruntled said. “Why can’t they like fix the parking problems here on campus and see that students, like, already have it as hard as it is in like school? For real, they need to like expand parking cuz I didn’t pay not to park y’know?”

Sgruntled echoes the thoughts of many students at Saddleback, some even looking to gain entrance to the bathhouse through petition signatures. Updates on their campaign to follow. 

Saddleback’s bathhouse will finish construction still in the Fall semester as the stadium was originally set for. Instructors can expect clearance passes to be mailed out sometime in late August as the semester would begin with notes to follow on keeping “mongrel” students away from snatching their passes held around their necks.

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