April Fools’: Irvine Spectrum officials: “If you can’t find toilet paper, don’t worry! We’ve got you covered!”

Irvine Spectrum Mall unveils re-purposed public bidets during COVID-19 pandemic. (Christian Aguilar-Garcia/Lariat)

As concerns over the spread of COVID-19 increase and supplies of essential bathroom related products diminish; officials from Irvine Spectrum have stepped forward to provide an alternative solution to assist the public during the newly enacted lock-down orders issued earlier this week.

Where once lay an easily overlooked splash zone, in a time of abundant societal turmoil, now lies the pinnacle of human ingenuity; public outdoor bidets.

For a limited time, patrons at Irvine Spectrum will be given the option to purchase passes that will allow access to the newly re-purposed public bidets located across from Target. The pass includes all day access provided that pass-holders are willing to wait in line.

Fast Passes are also available for a nominal fee and include expedited access to the bidets as well as a courtesy curtain upon request.

As per new guidelines from Gov. Newsom of California, Spectrum officials have stated that certain restrictions are in place regarding social distancing recommendations.

“The bidets are spread approximately 6 feet across from one another and provide a much-needed necessity for the community during these difficult times, plus we’re even incorporating early senior hours, so everyone has a chance to use the facilities,” said Spectrum officials, during the unveiling.

In this time of great uncertainty, the new public bidets stand strong as an icon of solidarity, a glimmer of hope in trying times.

“If we’re gonna be in the shit, we might as well be in the shit together,” said Spectrum guest, Christophe Rosiers.