Worth the cavities
Randy Chor’s own personal favorite candy (Lhoycel Teope)
Around this time of year, when children are anxiously waiting for that one day in which they can march up to the homes of strangers and make their sweet demands known, candy is on the mind.
So what should you give out?
Give them a pencil, you get egged, toothbrush, egged, apple, you better believe you’re going to get egged, unless it’s a caramel apple.
Those egg wielding brats want candy. And it had better be the good stuff, or you may find yourself stepping into a flaming sack of fecal matter the next morning as a final insult.
So which are the good stuff? There are three determining factors: taste, duration of consumption, and satisfaction.
Let’s just get the lame candy out of the way.
Sweetarts blow, Smarties taste stupid, Candy-Corn says “I’m frugal” and raisins bite, even the chocolate covered ones. I don’t want to see raisins unless they’re in my oatmeal.
Jolly Ranchers are great, considering all of the colorful flavors, but they don’t last very long, and when that psychedelic flavor trip is over, an empty feeling fills your once elated mouth.
Bubble gum never burst my bubble, but it’s not really candy.
I’m a sucker for Dum-Dums, but that smart talking owl convinced me that tootsie pops are better. How many licks does it take?
As for Skittles, M&M’s, and Nerds, Skittles taste good, but leave a weird taste in your mouth, M&M’s just don’t last and Nerds are just dorky pieces of sugar.
Remember pixie sticks? All I remember is kids at my middle school snorting them up their noses and ending up in the ER.
Regarding gummy bears, gummy worms and Dots, all I can say is I hope you don’t have braces, even if you don’t, little pieces of gummy junk will be chilling between your teeth for days.
Mike and Ike’s, Now and Laters’, Air-Heads, and Star-Bursts are all a techno-rave in your mouth, however none of them really satisfy.
Twizzlers and Red Vines. Stick them in my root bear float, not my tricks or treats bag.
Reese’s pieces and peanut butter cups make me want to vomit, that’s all I‘ll say about that.
Tootsie rolls: boring, flavored tootsie rolls: still boring.
Whoppers and Milk Duds are great for sneaking into the picture show, but the tiny amounts packaged for the average trick or treator are a whopper of a disappointment.
Snicker if you will, but a full sized candy bar just can’t be beat. Almost every kid loves chocolate, and there are so many to choose from, Three Musketeers, Milky Way, 100 Grand bar, Baby Ruth, Butterfingers, Willy Wonka and many more.
Slap me off a piece of that mouth watering, delicious, precious, chocolate covered goodness and stuff it down my gullet any day.
I pick candy bars as the top choice for treats when it comes down to taste, longevity and satisfaction.
So if you want to ensure that your residence won’t be vandalized this year, or if you want your party not to suck, stock up on candy bars.
My personal favorite is the Willy Wonka chocolate bar. You can find them at Toys R Us if you were wondering. They consist of little shards of golden gram crackers covered with lip smacking milk chocolate that is stamped with the Willy Wonka seal, and you might win a golden ticket, but probably not.
For any candy lovers I’ve offended, send all hate mail to: [email protected]