Ready, set, grow!

Nikki Jagerman

The Associated Student Government, Gay-Straight Alliance, and sport teams may be doing their part to bring students together, but just how worthy are their causes? Saddleback, Irvine Valley, and ATEP are in need of more impressive student groups. And so to your attention I bring Beard Team USA.

During the World Beard and Mustache Competition, which took place this month, Beard Team USA competed in the sideburns, mustache, partial beard, and full beard competitions, to name a few. There are a total of 17 categories.

Members of Beard Team USA believe, according to their website, that “…It is almost unpatriotic not to grow a beard or moustache and enter the competition.” Hear that guys? Forget the military; it’s beard growing time.

Not all beards are judged on length. Highly stylized beards are shaved and sculpted into very unnatural but mesmerizing shapes. They absolutely defy gravity.

Step up art majors, ceramic is passé; I thought you were trying to be creative. Consider hair as your new medium. It’s artistic, original, and pimp.

Being a college student absolutely does not take you out of the running to score well. At this year’s competition, Beard Team USA’s 21 year-old Toot Joslin won third place in the full beard competition. Joslin’s win was considered to be quite the feat for such a young competitor because the full beard category is considered the most competitive category. I think it may have something to with the hassle of having to walk around with a monster beard for the rest of the year; the price seems to be the reward for dealing with the constant stares and/or facial lice.

After seeing some pictures of these guys I began to wonder how such gnarly beards came to be. I suspect drug use, more specially, Rogaine.

Although this is like the Olympics of hair growing, there is no drug testing. (Girls, with a little dedication you too could enter). And honestly, taking supplements for this competition is really just an expression of dedication; it shows that the contestant will fully devote their body on behalf of their country and if science helps them get there, so be it.

I think you can see where I’m going with this. Hopefully you burly men (or women) start up Beard Team Saddleback College or Blazer Beard Team.

Germany is totally kicking our butt in the hair club category and we’ve got to stand up to that. I’m placing this on you. I am acting purely as an advocate because I don’t want facial hair. If you take a pen and doodle on the picture that is printed with this column you’ll realize that it doesn’t really suit me, so start growing.