April Fools’: Weekly Horoscope: COVID-19 edition

Check out what the future holds for you this week. Spoiler alert! It ain’t pretty for most of you. (This is only the opinion of a professional astrologist.)

Aries (21 Mar-19 Apr)

Be aware of cheap tickets to Europe (trust me). You can’t run away from your responsibilities, especially online school. A cutout of your face won’t fool your professor during video lecture, WAKE UP! No matter how bored you are, do not leave your house. There’s a possibility you might start liking country music, good luck. Song of the week: “Shakin’ Hands” by Nickelback.

Taurus (20 Apr-20 May)

Online school is not your thing, but you’ll do great the first week. Most likely you’re sharing a place with others, the lack of showering is bothering the people around you. A love interest is around the corner, sadly they’re also in quarantine. Song of the week: “Someday” by Nickelback.

Gemini (21 May-21 Jun)

Bad luck is coming your way. Restock on toilet paper before it’s too late. Stop thinking your friends don’t want to hang out with you, everyone is in lockdown, you’re not special. A new person in your life is trying to steal your hand sanitizer, steal theirs first. Song of the week: “Savin’ Me” by Nickelback.

Cancer (22 Jun-23 Jul)

Your summer plans could be ruined if you don’t take care of yourself. You will be facing family problems from playing too much monopoly. Wear sunscreen before going outside in case you ha-SIKE! Stay inside. You’re too nice to tell your mom you’re sick of spaghetti every night, say something before your stomach does. Song of the week: “If Everyone Cared” by Nickelback.

Leo (24 Jul-23 Aug)

You’re in luck! You finally get to meet your parents. Who knew they had hobbies? Enjoy family time and do your school work. New love interest coming your way, so get ready for that online date. You already have too much toilet paper, you don’t need to go to the store every other day. STAY INSIDE. Song of the week: “When We Stand Together” by Nickelback.

Virgo (24 Aug-22 Sept)

The lack of human interaction is getting to you. Don’t go crazy on the quarantine snacks or you’ll regret it later. Not because you haven’t seen the outside world in a week you won’t be washing your hands. Don’t be gross and take a shower once in a while. Good news for you! Lockdown is almost over-SIKE! Stay inside. Song of the week: “If Today Was Your Last Day” by Nickelback.

Libra (23 Sept-22 Oct)

Friends are slowly forgetting you exist, stop talking to your dog and call your grandma. Your parents will vote you funniest child of the week, congrats! Too much candy might cause a cavity, so don’t do it because you won’t be able to go to the dentist. Song of the week: “This Means War” by Nickelback.

Scorpio (23 Oct-22 Nov)

Trust, Disneyland will still be there when this all ends. Just wash your hands and stop complaining. You don’t get a song of the week.

Sagittarius (23 Nov- 20 Dec)

Bad news! You might still have to go to work for the next few weeks. Good news! At least you won’t have to file for unemployment. Bad news! You will go through a breakup soon. Good news! At least you’ll be practicing social distancing. Song of the week: “Too Bad” by Nickelback.

Capricorn (21 Dec- 20 Jan)

You’ll do great in online school, just get out of bed once in a while. No, wetwipes don’t count as hand sanitizer. No, going to another friends house doesn’t count as social distancing. It’s a good week for you to get drive-thru, just wear cloves. Stop crying about it. Song of the week: “Far Away” by Nickelback.

Aquarius (21 Jan-19 Feb)

You’re not very good with crowds, so social distancing is nothing new for you. Keep washing your hands and don’t forget to eat. Playing “Animal Crossing” till 5 a.m. will affect you badly, maybe try to sleep. Time to change those pajama pants you’ve been wearing for five days in a row. Song of the week: “Rockstar” by Nickelback.

Pisces (20 Feb-20 Mar)

You will try to fight your cat this week. Lockdown is making you crazy, so try to keep yourself entertained. Don’t answer to that text from your ex, they’re just as bored as you are. Maybe go take a walk at the pa-SIKE! Stay inside. Song of the week: “Never Again” by Nickelback.