SPOILERS! “Game of Thrones” recap for dummies

The Fortress of Klis in Croatia or Meereen which is the city that Khaleesi conquers with her army of the Unsullied, bringing it down from within. After taking down the Masters, they crucify the lot of them on the city’s perimeter. (Courtesy of Pixabay).

Alas, the prophecy is holding true… for the most part.

In last weeks season seven finale of George R.R. Martin’s critically acclaimed “Game of Thrones” series on HBO we watched in awe as Grey Worm and his band of fearless eunuchs, the Unsullied, stand in stoic stature, gearing up for the long awaited raid of the Lannister Army at King’s Landing. Allies in arms, the Dothraki, ravage the hillside on horses behind the Unsullied  joining them in a showdown that promises to be one hell of a battle. But, viewers will have to wait more than a year to see this battle between the most hated family in the Seven Kingdoms and the Dragon Queen’s troupe of cockless mercenaries and foreign savages.

We then find ourselves in an abandoned Dragonpit at King’s Landing that strikes a noticeable resemblance to the famous Roman Colosseum. Here we see a pint-sized Tyrion Lannister, eunuch cue ball Lord Varys, cowardly Theon Greyjoy, Aegon Targaryen (Jon Snow), Ser Sandor Clegane (The Hound), the manly oath keeper Lady Brienne of Tarth, and other trusted allies of the Dragon Queen anxiously waiting the arrival of Cersei Lannister.

She arrives with her lover/brother Jaime Lannister, Ser Bronn of the Blackwater, Ser Gregor “Frankenstein” Clegane (The Mountain), the creepy navy captain Euron Greyjoy, the mad scientist Qyburn, and other equally snake-like humans.

The amount of hatred is spellbinding. It’s almost like watching hybrid reality television show of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” except there’s actual drama to sort out like the walking dead coming to kill every living thing on Earth and a prophecy littered with blood, fire, ice and incest.

Before everyone could even take their seat the first confrontation starts off with The Hound approaching The Mountain, his brother.  The Hound asks his brother if he remembers him, his younger brother that he pushed into a fire as a little boy and burned.  Even though there was no Cleganebowl, as hoped for, The Hound threatens that he was coming for revenge.  

It’s an awkward stalemate for what seems like an eternity until the Dragon Queen comes swooping in on Drogon, the eldest and most powerful of her three dragons.  

Let the shit talking and shaming begin! Tyrion starts off this awkward meeting by pointing out they all hate each others guts but that doesn’t matter now because shit is about to go down in Westeros and there are larger issues at play. Poor choice of words Tyrion. After a few half-wit jokes from Euron Greyjoy, both Tyrion and Cersei tell Euron to shut up due to the actual important matter that needed to be discussed.  The reason for the meeting was to ask for a truce to stop the war between who should sit on the Iron Throne so all attention could be focused on the war between living and dead.

Previously, Jon and Daenerys thought it would be best to bring in evidence to prove that it isn’t a war tactic to get Cersei’s armies to stand down. The Hound marches up from a dusty trap door in the middle of the dragon pit with a box crate the size of a small car and drops it in the middle.

He opens the crate and out pops an ice zombie known as a Wight Walker or the living dead. After a couple of seasons of everyone in Westeros making fun of Jon for believing in zombie fairy tales, he finally has proof and reason to say, “I told you so.”

After some fear-mongering comments, bitter exchanges, and negotiating, the two armies decide that, “Hell yeah, we need to chill out and kill these weird ice zombies before they kill all of us.” 

After the conference of heavyweights, we return to Winterfell where Sansa and Arya Stark look to relieve themselves of Littlefinger’s dirty fingers meddling in everyone’s business. Littlefinger or Lord Peter Baelish has successfully implemented his sneaky tactics and schemes all over Westeros… but that’s about to end.

“You stand accused of murder, you stand accused of treason,” Sansa says with her upper lip quivering in delight. “How do you answer these charges…Lord Baelish?”

Oh snap! They were playing him the whole time!  The sisters continue to pile on the evidence they have accumulated from Baelish’s chamber and the Three-Eyed Raven’s prophetic insight when Arya decides to end this bickering swiftly. She approaches Baelish, as Sansa sentences him to death, wielding a Valerian steel dagger that ironically used to belong to Lord Baelish. She steps up to the plate, swings for the fences, and wham, slits his throat in one clean swoop. Alas, Sansa’s creepy pedophile uncle by law has been vanquished!

After the long-awaited death of Lord Baelish, it finally happens. I repeat, “it.”

The scene starts with Jon Snow knocking on the bedroom door of the Dragon Queen’s room. The bastard heir to the Iron Throne is about to get it on with Dany, the breaker of chains and the mother of Dragons. 

In the series’ history, Lyanna is a key figure in Robert’s Rebellion, the war that deposed the Targaryen dynasty and brought the Baratheons to the throne. It was Lyanna’s supposed kidnapping by Prince Rhaegar Targaryen — Dany’s older brother — that infuriated the Starks and Baratheons and started the war in the first place.

Now, though, Bran learns through a vision that Rhaegar didn’t kidnap Lyanna at all — rather, they were in love. What’s more, as Sam clarifies, they made that love official in a secret marriage ceremony. Then, they had a child together that Lyanna named “Aegon,” and before she died from complications of childbirth, she handed off the child to Ned begging him to raise Aegon as his own to keep him safe.  

Aegon Targaryen, child of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, became Jon Snow, Eddard Stark’s bastard son.  Now, it has officially been solidified that Jon is a true-born Targaryen and the rightful heir to the throne, more so than Dany.

For now, Jon and Dany will have bigger problems than their rival claims to the throne — because at long last, the White Walkers have breached the Wall in a spectacular attack.

Finally, the White Walkers com back into play.

We finally got a glimpse at the full force of the army of the dead, as many White Walkers as people in Westeros and a seemingly endless mass of wight foot soldiers amassed north of Eastwatch, seemed halted by the Wall itself.

In the last cut scene of the finale, the Night King made a dramatic airborne entrance on the back of his weapon of mass destruction who he’d captured in the previous episode: the reanimated dragon Viserion, breathing blue flame.

Riding on the back of the ice dragon, the Night King melted down the wall at Eastwatch and we watched as the whole army of the dead marched past the wall, the thing that had kept the world separated from the unknown for thousands of years, destroyed in seconds.  

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