Belated April Fools: Antique relic from dino ages prompts NSFW response 

An impromptu phone sex session occurred right outside the Student Health Center while horrified students watched frozen in bewilderment. Lizeth Tello | Lariat

A Saddleback student caused a disturbance in front of the Student Health Center on campus on Friday, April 1. The incident which involved a public payphone, which has been out of commission for a number of years now, has officials scrambling to rub out all remaining booths.

In the olden days, when smartphones would be considered nothing more than a box tainted by witchcraft and Prohibition had just begun, people would often pop a few coins into a local payphone in order to immediately send long distance messages, for a limited time of course.  It was the hottest form of communication at the time.

Nowadays, they are as pointless as treadmill bicycles and don’t see as much action anymore, especially the ones on campus, which are unusable now due to a metal sheet blocking the coin slot. At least, they didn’t until recently.

Saddleback student Kinci Bich stated that on Wednesday afternoon, she was walking by the building, after a quick therapy appointment at the Student Health Center, when she noticed the dusty hunk of junk a few steps away.

“When I first saw it, I could not believe my eyes,” Bich said. “I’ve always been interested in vintage items like these, so it’s a bit bizarre that I didn’t see it sooner.”

Being a self-proclaimed antique enthusiast, Bich stated she could not resist giving the short locker room cubicle the attention it deserved.  What happened next was what witnesses reportedly described as the most uncomfortable thing they’ve seen since “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

“I was just about ready to head home after my last class of the day ended when I saw a strange woman doing some really questionable things to a payphone,” said Audrey Salemo, a Saddleback student majoring in English. “The way she was touching the knobs and handles on the thing was really weird. I got a little uncomfortable just looking at it, so I just quickly left.”

With no regard to the public, Bich had begun to talk dirty to the object, while lightly stroking the buttons, levers and handle of the phone box. The behavior could have been excused as a case of exaggerated and unusual admiration until she began removing her clothes and using the handset to provide clitoral stimulation.

“I wasn’t there for the whole thing but at one point, she lifted the phone book holder and started grinding against it,” said Scott Rutherford, who is majoring in business. “It was kinda hot.”

Nearby staff, who also witnessed the lewd display, reported the incident to the campus police.  Bich was immediately confronted and escorted off the campus which resulted in a very satisfying ending.

“This is, by far, the strangest occurrence on campus that I have yet encountered during the past 20 years of teaching at Saddleback,” said Rodrick Emerson, a communications professor. “I didn’t even realize we had a phone booth here until this chaotic display of indecency brought it up.”

With the situation temporarily resolved, Saddleback College officials are currently contemplating and discussing the future removal of any remaining payphone booths throughout the campus.

Author’s note:  As recommended by my fellow staff, readers should note that this story was brought to you by a sex-averse sex-positive asexual individual.

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