We don’t need no fancy book-learnin’

Megan Crothers

Pompous smart people bug everyone. They know all this “stuff”, all these big words and fancy facts about obscure happenings read in “The Economist”, that they are always triumphantly telling you about in order to demean your existence. They then take your blank stare as “Yes, I understand that fantastic information”, and keep talking. These intellectual beings are always ravenously assuring that you know how much useless data they are capable of storing. This is unhealthy, and has spurred a revolution among all those poor souls forced to listen to this pretentious spew of knowledge.
 
Hence, the birth of “BS”. If you don’t know what that stands for, I’m sorry. If you do, then you know how utterly satisfying it can be to use BS in the context of rebellion against anyone who makes it a point to show you how much smarter they are.
 
BS allows complete nonsense for the sake of enjoyment, or out of necessity in order to pass a class or get a spicy date. Us intellectual mortals use BS on a regular basis and, if we are gifted in the art, can actually make people believe that we are capable of operating more than a cell phone calculator. Alas, the proper care and keeping of a BS-ridden story requires a bit more conniving than the average bloke would fathom.  BS is not for the weak of heart.
 
You must successfully execute your BSTORY (BS-story) with confidence and eloquent finesse. It is pertinent that the listener is aware of your innate sprezzatura. If you flinch, even for a moment, your audience will see it and scamper away, consumed by mad, cackling laughter. You will be mocked.
 
So keep your cool. You keeping your cool is as important as the Anchiornis huxley discovery is to the research of the missing link between birds and dinosaurs, and that’s big.
 
You must also have facts, real or concocted, to back up your ludicrous statements. Use these as support beams to uphold your ultimate house of BS. If you say, “The sun is going to explode and suck the Earth into a black hole,” you must have some backup. It is inevitable that your ostentatious, cerebral audience, constantly consumed by a boasted false curiosity, is going to ask you “WHY?”
This is when you whip out your support.
“Why yes, Bartholomew, I am delighted you asked. The sun is going to explode as a result of the discrete particals resulting from nuclear reaction in the early 1950’s during the earlier reign of King Lewis during what is now popularly known as the ‘Sunflower Seed Black Market Tea Party’.”
 
Keep your revenge on the intellectuals to yourself. This activity is for personal enjoyment, and must be used with caution so as not to encourage pathological lying, or what is commonly referred to as “Blue Amoeba Disorder”, in which the victim is frenzied by an uncontrollable urge to bend the truth. This is a Biosafety Level 5 virus, and has no prevention, treatment, or cure.
 
So stun them. Reign true as a master of BS. May you live long and prosper.
 

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