Since television’s bumbling secret agent, Max Smart, first booty-called Agent 99 via his shoe, the human race has been seduced by wireless communication. Forty-odd years later, it’s almost expected that anyone over the age of 10 needs some kind of telephone device within arm’s reach at all times.
Like anything else in American culture, we have become so over-obsessed with the mobile phone that it now infringes on the socially indecent. Therefore, I have compiled a list of Timbo’s Top-10 Cellular Faux Pas:
1. Don’t text to chat. That’s what phone calls are for. There’s nothing more irritating than attempting to decipher information from a jumble of “OMGs” and “LOLs.”
2. Don’t call just to say, “Hi!” That’s what texts are for.
3. Don’t use ring-back tones. They’re annoying.
4. Don’t text or take calls during meals. The world will not come to a grinding halt while waiting for you to finish your lunch. All you end up doing is raising contempt amongst those with whom you dine.
5. Don’t text or take calls during class. It’s distracting to those of us who plan to pass the final. Since you’re not paying attention to the lecture, why are you showing up in the first place?
6. Don’t text or take calls during funerals. It’s disrespectful of the dead.
7. Don’t trip if someone fails get back to you instantly. If they didn’t return the first 17 voicemails, they probably won’t return the 18th.
8. Don’t text while driving. I am so over re-painting my back bumper all the time.
9. If you insist on taking calls in the car, don’t be negotiating multi-national mergers in the process. Keep it short and sweet. There is no shame in dropping the line, “Hey, I’m in traffic. Can I call you back in a bit?”
10. Finally, don’t carry on a phone conversation within earshot of people who don’t apply to the call. Whether you’re oblivious to your surroundings or wish to impress us with whatever it is you may or may not be talking about, it brings shame to your family.