I write and my opinion forms

Kseny Boklan

John Milton once said that “Nothing profits more than self-esteem, grounded on what is just and right.” Profit, thus, is the end result of being confident, and true confidence comes from acting right.

I wonder about where self-esteem comes from because I want to secure “profit” and I am tired of it’s inconsistency. Life has taught me that the phenomena of self-esteem, as I understand it, is the ability to be yourself in the eyes of others. Unfortunately, sometimes I find it hard to figure out who the hell “I” in me truly is.

The “I” in me knows that the reason I can not figure it out is because figuring it out is limited, and what I want to be is free, or rather, boundless. This makes it hard to know whether or not how I act is right and just. This makes it very likely, as I understand Milton, that I might not profit.

Now as I sit at a job interview and wonder if my smiling and nodding is fake, I ask myself: am I being myself? I know I care about what is being said but is this , only because I want the job? Is it wrong to think that at this time? Should I be thinking at all? Do I think too much about what others are thinking? Should I look away? Still no good.

Truthfully, my opinion is that writing is good for building confidence. Sometimes it is my Prozac. It is the cure for every bipolar mood I get in. When I can’t sleep, I write. It doesn’t have to be good, it just has to be true to me.

I feel fake sometimes, so the reason I write is to make sure I am not. As long as I know that what I write down and then the re-read of it goes straight into my heart and I get little shivers then I am happy. What is interesting is that it can be edited, rephrased and even added to, yet the essence of my voice remains.

At the end of these ramblings, I try to figure out why I wrote my opinion down and try to throw it in the end, like “write things down, when you want to slow down your thoughts and get to the inner you and publish it on Facebook’s Notes.”

I promise to formulate a legitimate opinion for my next column. And to think— I was going to state an opinion about whether or not Obama is doing a good job as the president. He has confidence or self-esteem, whatever. Good for him:, so did Bush.


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