A raging epidemic is clutching society by the throat. Relentless and vile, this issue has destroyed the lives of many, and is slowly decaying my existence.
This, my friends, is the Internet. This evil force goes by many names such as “The Web,” “Inter-web,” “Intertubes,” “Crack,” and “Bone Saw.” The Internet may seem innocent at first with its vast stores of obscure knowledge and comical videos filmed by amateurs, but do not be fooled. These are just sly ways to eat up all of your spare time that could have been spent outdoors soaking up precious vitamin D, which humans need to store in preparation for the Great Winter and the next solar eclipse.
It has been a sad realization that much of my life has been spent feeding this virtual monster spoonfuls of my soul. My hours logged on Facebook, Craigslist, and Failblog are too numerous to count, and even if I could count that high, I would be too embarrassed to mention it. I see more light from fluorescent bulbs than from our close friend, the sun. I haven’t gotten sunburn since 1973.
That is why I will be banishing the digital beast from my life and filling those extreme time gaps with more meaningful substance. I will finally be able to do all of the things I had previously put off in favor of a good ol’ MySpace friend stalk.
I can hear my paintbrushes calling my name. Extreme knitting can finally be mine. I will invest serious energy in the sacrificial burning of my “Snuggie” blanket-robe hybrid.
In all reality, I will probably still use the Internet on occasion. It is the endless and pointless hours spent tangled in “The Web” that I will no longer indulge in, no matter how many funny pictures of hissing cats are out there.
Just kidding. You can find me on AIM until 3:00 A.M. tonight. If I could intravenously connect myself to the Internet and have my heart beat to the drum of mouse clicks, I would. At least I admit I have a problem.