Finally fed up with spammers

Ashleigh Johnson

Few things are more annoying than spam emails, and it is difficult to believe that anyone really even falls for half of the ridiculous ads that are forwarded around on the Internet.

They all seem to read a little something like this: “Hi u guyz!!!!!!!!! Gues wat?!!! I just got 1,000,000 FREE ringtones by going 2 www.IHaveAnIQOnParWithAJarOfMayo.com!!!!! Seriusly! Its free!! Try it!

All u have 2 do is fill out a refferral account, fill out 3 survys, get 20,584 of ur friends 2 join, send us ur credit card #, social security #, home address, driver’s licesnse, a recnt picture of ur unborn children. Then fly 2 Haiti, injest some zombie powder on the night of a full moon, and…”

Remember, kids: if you ever see an online ad that flat-out asks for your credit card number, be sure to do whatever the ad says IMMEDIATELY, whether that means giving up your Social Security Number, or forfeiting your major organs.

It goes without saying that the Internet is a naturally safe place, devoid of perverts, pornography, Chris Crocker, and especially con artists. The poor spelling and grammar found in many spam ads is obviously an advertising ploy to get people to sign up, since nothing oozes professionalism like misspelling lengthy words such as “what”, “your”, and “to”. People on the Internet are nice, and it’s not like anyone’s ever been scammed on line!

But out of all the types of spam that’s out on the prowl, the most irritating has got to be the bleeding-heart, petition-type emails. Sure, many e-petitions are started with the best of intentions in mind, but other than spreading awareness about a particular topic, they are nothing short of a complete waste of time. It is so simple to add falsified information (such as names, emails, etc.) that no matter how many names are collected, most e-petitions are considered invalid.

In short, wanting to help out a particular cause is all well and good, but adding your name to an online list accomplishes approximately the same amount as building a life-sized replica of Fort Knox out of Q-tips-though the latter option will get you at least two seconds of airtime on some crappy, late-night talk show. So here’s a wild ‘n’ wacky idea to consider: how about instead of forwarding more ‘Sign this petition in order to end world hunger!’ emails, you get off the computer and actually go and help someone.

Although I’ve got to admit, the Hoover Dam would look pretty sweet in Q-tip form.

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