Driving people crazy

Julian Williamson

As if the basic task of driving wasn’t treacherous enough when one factors in weather conditions, in-car distractions, and the possibility of mechanical error, there are those out there who make it far worse and more irritating than it needs to be for everyone else.

There are several main categories that these people can be identified by, but just a select two will go under the scope for now.

First up are the “truck” people.

The raised trucks are the most pressing of identifiers for the annoying drivers of Orange County. They are easy to spot by the fact that the driver’s door handle comes to roughly eye-level, and are often clad in custom paint jobs and stickers for off-road parts companies.

The irony of the latter part of that last sentence is the fact that these machines will rarely venture beyond the pavement because the owners would rather appear to be weekend dirt warriors than actually wreck $30,000 worth of compensation.

However, beyond being a ridiculously over-the-top phallic statement to the world, these autos make night driving dangerous for everyone else on the road. The headlights come through the rear windshield and are often super-bright Halogen bulbs, which blind others.

Another hazard associated with this category is that the drivers consider themselves daredevils and drive accordingly. Also, if they weren’t trying to subdue nosebleeds caused from being at such high altitudes, they would realize that those little things on the ground near their gigantic tires are other cars filled with other people.

Next on the chopping block are the “street racers.”

These aren’t quite as easy to spot as the former category, but these people are attention whores just the same. So it’s still pretty simple.

The basic tell-tale signs are usually the following: the rear spoiler, body kits, a carbon fiber hood, stickers from racing companies, etc. However, in the not-so-rare occasions when one is unfortunate enough to be driving in the vicinity of one of these turbo-charged wastes of money, it can be recognized by the loud, unappealing whine of its exhaust system. Think of a go-cart or dirt bike, but somehow more grating and annoying.

Another marker to listen for is the “music” which will undoubtedly be louder than the stereo in an observer’s car even if 50 yards away. Apparently, record companies sell albums composed entirely of nothing except a bass track.

On special occasions, one might be able to witness the rare but completely idiotic undercarriage neon lights. Scientific studies should be done to try to estimate the amount of drugs and alcohol it would take for one to consume to ever consider these lights a good idea.

However, weaving in and out of traffic, using every lane as a passing lane, and grossly exceeding the speed limit at all times are the best tells for this classification of irritating drivers.

“The Fast and the Furious” sucked. Street racing is a felony. Good investment.

It’s not to say that one shouldn’t own an automobile they can be proud of, but must these people make everyone else suffer in their quest for a cloned, passé identity?

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