APRIL FOOLS: Result of golf match unknown due to no one in attendance

Drawn depiction of what Tuesday’s golf match, resulting in a currently unknown score, most likely looked like. (Jacob Tatham/Lariat)

Saddleback men’s golf team hosted a competition against Orange Coast College on Friday, however there has yet to be any conformation on the outcome of the showdown. The lack of information regarding the apparent match strongly suggests that there was no one there to actually witness it.

“I was completely unaware that we had a golf team,” said head of the department of athletics John Mayweather. “I don’t even know how golf works. It’s not really a sport so I don’t know if it would even be in my jurisdiction.”

The news staff has tried to get in contact with the coach of men’s golf, but have reached another obstacle as no one actually knows who he is.

“Mike… I think it was,” said staff writer Derek Smithers. “I ran into him once in the cafeteria but I can’t remember his name. It began with an M for sure though.”

Derek was set to cover Friday’s golf match, but states that he forgot.

“I was gonna go, but I realized that the Batman Superman movie came out and I just got sidetracked,” Smithers said.

Despite the complete lack of information for this mystery game, there has been conformation that the game did in fact take place.

“I was making my rounds and I saw these dudes playing golf,” said custodian Brad Jones. “It was weird because I thought golf was just something that old rich guys do.”

Jones went on to confirm that there was indeed no audience or spectators besides the actual participants in the match.

According to ESPN, golf’s popularity has been declining ever since superstar Tiger Woods ruined his public perception and personal performance with an affair scandal. The 2016 FedEx Cup featured record low ratings and those that did watch noted a 30-minute stretch in which the two commentators had both fallen asleep.

“I haven’t attended in a while,” said Sadie Ingram, mother of Saddleback golfer James. “It’s just so slow and James’ matches usually happen when Modern Family is on so it’s just too much.”

Research indicates that it is impossible to tie in golf, so until there is official conformation on who the victor of the match was, it is safe to declare that either Saddleback or Orange Coast won, assuming there was not a surprise third party involved like WWE.

There are flyers on campus that advertise an upcoming match against Santiago Canyon College. Smithers plans to cover the event and will hopefully obtain information about what exactly happened on Friday.

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