Flight Fight: An arena for birds

Top flighters Hugh the Cockatoo and Marvin the African Grey go wing to wing and beak to beak in an effort to claim top branch. (Jordan Rangel/lariat)

The Flight Fight arena is located near the bus stop between lot 9, 9A and 13. Practice begins after the new Edible Baking course at approximately 4:20 p.m.

This year Hugh the Cockatoo burnt the Right Wing champion Marvin the African Grey by feather plucking for a stun attack, dropping boulder-like pebbles for dismemberment and pecking out vital organs.

Hugh killed exactly three exotic birds and pooped on approximately 20 cars and two motorcycles in lot 9 on his way to the top of the branch.

For the 12th year in a row Super Special Coach Mugato, 25, animal studies major swept the competition.

“I was flabbergasted to watch birds fighting above campus,” said Erica Florimonte, 22, finance major. “It was definitely entertaining, I’d rather watch Flight Fight than golf any day.”

Beside Hugh, Pancho fought for right wing branch champion and arguably gave Hugh the toughest fight during the games. Using reverse psychology Hugh was able to make Pancho attack himself.

“I didn’t think Hugh was going to survive a direct hit from Pancho’s oblivion wing,” said Aaron Delgado, 20, kinesiology major. “But once Hugh started to mimic the voice of Pancho’s trainer, the parrot self-destructed itself.”

According to lead merchandiser of Flight Fight Matthew King, 18, economics major, there is an unprecedented want and need for Cockatoo crowns to be made in celebration and honor for Hugh. King is in close contact with ASG with hopes of selling crowns on campus.

Notable fights to mention include the Parakeet duo Big Mak and McFly v. Mugsy the Macaw and Nitro the Nanday v. Marvin.

“Mugsy used gust,” said Red 23, biology major commenting on Mugsy’s fight versus the Parakeet duo. “it was super-effective.”

Although the duo defeated Mugsy they lost the next fight against Marvin because Big Mak fainted during the battle against the Macaw. McFly had to advance alone. He was murdered shortly after.

Gaucho’s Fearless Flighter Award

The Bird Fighters Guild have dedicated the first ever Fearless Flighter Award to Super Special Coach Mugato, 25, Animal studies major.

It is only fit that Mugato receive such an award 12 years after he created and dedicated the sport to his idol, King Henry VIII. Mugato eats 10 meals a day in hopes of maintaining a figure like King HenryVIII.

Mugato wanted to thank all of the other trainers who lost their beloved birds to him for being “worse trainers” than him.

Mugato uses “starvation, anger maniputaltion, and isolation” to create champion birds.

“My techniques give the endurance to handle all the battle’s competitiors,” Mugato said. “No matter the species, weight, or special attack every bird will lose to mine.”

According to the Bird Fighters Journal, Mugato founded the sport on a family trip to the Grand Canyon. Like usual the family’s pet parakeet Dorothy accompanied Mugato by resting on his shoulder. Then, out of the blue sky, a Bald Eagle swooped down and clutched Dorothy in his talons.

Little did the unlucky Bald Eagle know that Mugato trained Dorothy on the top of the world in San Clemente in the art of Equestrian Jumping. Within the blink of an eye Dorothy let loose from the Eagle’s grip and used his Bounce attack.
The eagle was stunned mid-flight and then proceeded to use his super secret blinding peck attack to rip the eyes out from the Bald Eagle. It’s said that the Dorothy took out both eyes with only a single peck.

From that day forward Mugato decided to find the most exotic birds, train them, and then fight them to the native birds on campus.

With every crow killed his birds got stronger and their thirst for blood rages even greater. there was no match for Mugato until he taught others how to properly train fighting birds.

The Flight Fight competiton has reached unbelievable heights and had a total of eight trainers competing for the title champion.

Mugato is holding a celebration party in room SM 2112, April 31, at 4:20 p.m.

History of the Sport

According to the Great British Food History Magazine King Henry the VIII, who was known to have a rapturous appetite, I mean ravenous appetite, was bored by the obligatory chicken plate once again placed before him. He pounded loudly on his pewter plate and demanded he be given more than this same, weary fare.

He shouted that he would only settle for the very best bird in the Kingdom. His servants, who worried in how they would know which was the very best bird, nervously conferred among themselves. They knew that they had to please M’lord, or it could be their own very heads as substitutions offered upon that very platter.

How could they please such a displeasing person? Of course they could not offer him that innocuous turkey who was so stupid that it could drown itself just by looking up at the rain. That would never do. Something, clever, something original had to be offered.

How about the most crafty bird, the one who could prove himself to be the most dominant of all of the avian species?

Perhaps not as delectable as the common chicken, but the prestige of eating the best bird in the land would add another feather to the King’s cap. And that, it was the hopeful consensus, would be the very thing that would save their own heads.

So a plan was developed to gather all the birds that could be found and race them in segments against each other. Each bracketed winner faced-off against the opposing bracket. Yes, it would be a coveted sport. the winner would be the lucky one that would be eaten. Spoils to the winner.

Only recently has this sport been rediscovered, it was hidden with King Richard III, in a parking lot.

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