APRIL FOOLS: Meditation stressed me out

Plants and incense are often used for the meditation process. (Betsy Johnson/Photo Editor)

Plants and incense are often used for the meditation process. (Betsy Johnson/Photo Editor)

In a meditation class filled with hippies and scents, we start doing our practice of tranquility. First, lay down and release your mind body and soul. So basically take a nap, how can you go wrong with that?

When the person next to you is snoring, a strong urge of wanting to plug his or her nose. So a quote I found on the reliable Internet popped into my head while trying to get rid of such negative thoughts.

“The best way to clear your mind is in a studio where you pay $25 dollars and chant with multiple strangers,” said Zen Master Harmony Breeze.

Next we begin to move into the positions. While I was doing a Downward Facing Dog, my ass was high in the air, and the one thought process was “KISS IT!” as I transitioned into the Tree pose.

By twisting our legs down and around our arms we stand straight up with one leg in the air while remaining balanced with the other leg on the ground. As I look around to see everyone standing in their positions, the need to push them over and shout “timber” is tempting.

While doing these moves with eyes closed so you can have a “clear and focused mind,” I feel the need to make sure I am doing the correct moves and chants while peeking at the clock to see how much more of this I have to take. It has only been 20 minutes and there are 40 more to go.

My mind is still racing on how to properly meditate, while trying to not think.

Of course Wikipedia was the first thing that popped up while researching this. So I read and researched like a normal person would. After figuring out what the real meaning was and what I needed to do, I Googled how to meditate. Multiple options popped up like, how to videos or eight tips to clear your mind in 10 minutes.

Then I remembered my mind should be thoughtless and focused on the scents instead of wanting to make fart noises every time people would bend over.

Even though things on the web kept appearing in my head, I tried to at least keep thinking of inspiring quotes like when a wise man said, “The less you see in the space, the clearer it becomes.”

“Whatever that means,” I thought.

The floors were hard, the smell was strong and the chants were out of tune. It’s getting harder to stay focused. My ass was sore, my head was spinning and all I could think of was, if I have to do one more Cat Cow, I am going to moo.

Even though I still could not help but get distracted by the constant unsynchronized hums of hippies, I continued to think back to what Google told me, remember that taking deep breaths is a great way to stay meditated.

…Deep breath in…deep breath out… oh yeah, did I mention there are patchouli and oil lamps filling the room? Talk about a fuzzy head.

“Having smoke helps clear out any negative thoughts that appear in your head throughout the day,” said Sunny Daze, who makes patchouli.

As I finally gave in to what my mind wanted to think about, like those damn dishes and stupid laundry, the class was finally coming to an end.  The smoke in the room cleared and people seemed to have more of a clear head.

I on the other hand, ended leaving the class more pissed off.

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