OPINION: Mr. Hamstrip murdered; WHO claims bacon causes cancer

Following the World Health Organization’s claim that bacon, also known to Mr. Hamstrip to his close friends, may cause cancer, everyone’s favorite part of the pig has left us.

Early Monday morning Mr. Hamstrip, minding his own business when WHO released a report saying there is “sufficient evidence” that he causes bowel cancer, was murdered in his home. Authorities believe that WHO is the primary culprit of Mr. Hamstrips death, but there is still no direct link to the death.

Aged approximately 2,000 years old, Mr. Hamstrip is survived by the chicken, turkey and salmon, which are not classified as carcinogens.

Originating for the European peasants this was one of the cheapest and easiest meals to make, becoming very common for the poor as a main food supply. And since then… Mr. Hamstrip has been a main source in our everyday lives, bringing joy and full bellies to our morning breakfast rituals.

After hearing about the death of Mr. Hamstrip it has left us in the five stages of grief.

Denial: We do not want to believe that Mr. Hamstrip can ever be overeaten or cause such pain in our lives by eating him on a daily basis

Anger: After the death of Mr. Hamstrip we feel the need to lash out, punching walls, or throwing the pan we use to sizzle Mr. Hamstrip’s relatives in at something, reminding us the cold hard facts of not being able to eat him whenever we want.

Bargaining: So we think of ways to keep Mr. Hamstrip alive, being able to eat him whenever we want simply by giving something else up. Maybe if we don’t add bacon pieces to our salad we can keep him, or can we agree to not fry him in oil as frequently. This has to be a bad dream!

Depression: Knowing that we can’t eat Mr. Hamstrip every day, we have a sense of emptiness in our hearts and stomachs. Hearing any sad song makes us think of the fond memories we’ve had, sending us into tears knowing that Mr. Hamstrip is truly gone.

Acceptance: Even though we feel OK with knowing Mr. Hamstrip has moved on, we look into a future where we don’t have to live in fear of what might happen if we eat ice cream covered in bacon. We can let go and live the new “norm,” a healthier lifestyle. A life where a chicken or turkey won’t give us cancer, we can now live a little bit longer.

So as we say goodbye to Mr. Hamstrip and we say hello to our happy hearts, our cancer-free bowels, we can grow, change and begin to live again. When we are sitting at our breakfast tables we can remember Mr. Hamstrip and the wonderful memories he has given us.

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