Missing students may be linked to alien abductions

Adam Jones

The administration at Saddleback College has been making strange requests of students lately, prompting an investigation into a potential invasion by aliens.

Last Monday, 45 students went missing after an impromptu South Orange County Community College District meeting that requested the presence of students for polling purposes.

While this request was a strange one, according to students, many students obliged due to promises of $50 gift cards for a mere 30-minute survey.

“It was really strange. I’d never heard of an impromptu meeting,” Donny Drawkcab, 24, theology said. “I go to all of the meetings, but I was skeptical of this one because of the incentive given. It was very out of character.”

Members of the Associated Student Government were unavailable for comment, as most of ASG had attended the meeting.

Students began to worry when their friends didn’t return from the meeting.

“I have no idea where my sister and her boyfriend are,” said Debbie Downer, 19, psychology.

“They’ve been missing for over a week, and it is really depressing to not know what could have happened to them.”

While the majority of the administration was also unavailable for comment, Saddleback President Tod A Burnett held a news conference this morning to inform the public about the missing students.

“I just want to clear up any suspicions that aliens may be abducting students on campus. It is very important to me that students to feel safe and are not afraid to accept offers of candy and money to show up at impromptu campus events,” Burnett said. “There are absolutely no space men on the Saddleback campus.”

Burnett’s statement spawned more skepticism. “Nobody even asked Burnett about aliens. I don’t think anyone even suspected aliens!” said Nancy Negative, 21, anthropology.

“Now I don’t even know what to think anymore. Aliens at Saddleback? My whole world has been turned upside-down.”

“Aliens! Jesus Christ there’s aliens at Saddleback!” said Sum Yun-gai, 17, kinesiology, as he ran from the news conference screaming. “We’re all gonna die!”

A number of political science classes were cancelled last week due to entire classes having gone missing.

“I told my students they could go to the board meeting for extra credit. They never came back, and they’re still missing,” said Derek Reeve, a political science instructor. “I don’t feel guilty, it wasn’t my fault. They wanted the points.”

Burnett had no comment on Reeve’s statement, staring blankly ahead while reporters berated him with questions. When the news conference ended, Burnett stood at the lectern silently for hours before leaving.

The missing students have not yet been found, and no aliens have been discovered at Saddleback. No one received their $50 gift cards.

Concerned students should contact the Saddleback administration and schedule a private appointment with the Office of Student Services.

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