How to get over your ex: Wrong answers only (because who gets closure these days?)

Blu (left) chained to Jewel (right) in movie ‘Rio.’ 20th Century Fox, FilmFlex.

Even if you’ve personally never experienced the gut-wrenching and ice-cream binging phenomena of heartbreak, you know at least someone who has been through ‘it,’ and your favorite movies have most definitely shown you a rendition of that ‘woe is me’ attitude. However, wallowing in your self pity isn’t the only way to get over that person living rent free in your head.

So, you’ve had that final talk (a verbal one, might I add. No, not a text. You are not in middle school anymore). Maybe both sides shed some tears, or maybe your inner monologue sounded something like, “I’m gonna kill my friends for letting me stoop this low” as you sat there wondering when this person would stop throwing themselves a pity party. 

Whether it ended amicably or not, nothing feels worse than that crushing feeling in your chest that someone you thought would be in your life for the long haul suddenly becomes a stranger. So, what do you do after it all ends? Cry until there are no tears left to cry? Expend all your energy into work? Call up a friend to help you plot your revenge (just don’t involve their pets)? 

Or maybe, you choose peace and let karma do its thing (okay, we get it–you’re healthy). We know your healing journey is your own, but if you’re sitting at home wondering what to do next (and no, I do not mean text them), below are some starter points to truly begin that stage of healing. And before you ask, of course this advice is serious and should not be taken as a joke whatsoever.

Well, if you’re unsure about whether or not you want to choose violence, 20-year-old Irvine Valley College student Stefan Liu has undoubtedly made up his mind. 

“Oh, wow. That’s a question,” commented Liu. “Stalk their socials and follow them everywhere.”

Honestly, some of us would consider that light work. Holding onto that last bit of hope that you’ll rekindle that fire you once had is healthy, right? Be sure to overanalyze every new follower, like, comment, and notes. Make sure to create a fake account, so you can watch their Instagram stories, too.

“And start dating their parents,” he continued. “[Or] date their siblings.” 

See, now there’s something useful! Instead of writing your feelings down in a journal, lighting a candle and taking a soothing bubble bath, Liu’s approach really taps into that vulnerable side hidden deep within your heart (Jeez, I wonder why?)

Nothing says “I’m over my ex” like dating someone who’s almost identical to them (literally). 

If you don’t want to stalk their socials or date their siblings for whatever reason, there are other options to curb that vengeful feeling. They may not be as conventional as you’d like, but who really is conventional these days?

“Sign them up for the Church of Scientology…and an STD clinic,” said Rylee Loren, 19-year-old Mission Viejo resident. Taking care of your sexual health is always a good thing, so you’d honestly be doing him a favor in the long run. We love a good samaritan. Thanks, Loren! 

And if you want to go a little more…gruesome, Irvine resident Andy Nguyen recommends “human centiped[ing] all your exes.”

Seriously, though, getting over a breakup is difficult, and it’s important to remember everyone has their own way of coping. Journal, scream or inconvenience them by plastering sticky notes all over their car. We say time heals all wounds, but why not try one of these out to speed that process up? 

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