Hipsters, hippies and you: A guide to music festival season

Now that the harsh Southern California winter has passed and spring has officially sprung, we are looking forward to festival season. Outside lands, Coachella, StageCoach, Lightning in a Bottle, and the culmination of the season Burning Man are just a few of the ever-present music festivals coming up. Here are five people to watch out for in festival land.

The Hipster
Catchphrase: “I saw these guys before they were popular…and I hate them now.”
Most likely to be found at Coachella.
The Hipster often goes unseen but always heard. Most likely you will see them on Vine hash tagging “they used to be better.” Don’t be fooled by their skinny jeans and Ray-Bans, their Nat Sherman cigarettes are probably as fake as their “prescription” glasses. Avoid this stereotype at all costs. Being jaded at a music festival will surely harsh your mellow.

The Innapropriate Mosher
Catchphrase: “Come on guys let’s open this pit up!”
Most likely to be found at Outside Lands.
Moshing is best reserved for punk shows, too bad no one told this kid that. Whether it’s Crass, Modest Mouse or Seedless you will always see this stereotype trying to start a mosh pit. If no one joins them they will inevitably mosh alone while instantly aggravating everyone in a 20-foot radius. Thrown elbows and black eyes are common, so unless you like the broken face look it is suggested you stay out of the innapropriate moshers way and shove other undeserving festival go-ers in their path. *Bonus points if you convince someone bigger than them to destroy said mosher. (In a totally fun and no way deadly mosh pit.)

The person standing in front of everyone filming on their phone
Catchphrase: “Can everybody on stage right move back a little bit.”
Most likely to be found at Lightning in a Bottle.
This person is the absolute worst! Not only are they blocking everybody behind them, they act like royal press from Rolling Stone magazine. (They’re not.) Don’t let their intimidation tactics stop you. Chances are they are only filming to prove that they were actually there. Look for their YouTube footage and revel in the fact you successfully ruined every frame you see yourself in. After all, no pics and it didn’t happen.

The ‘Merika Drunks
Catchphrase: “I’m pretty sure the bartender screwed up my drink.”
Most likely to be found at StageCoach.
I don’t know which is worse: the girls in flag bandanas for clothing or the guys wearing Duck Dynasty shirts. Either way the cowboy hat and slurred speech is a telltale sign you have encountered a ‘Merika drunk. Most likely harassing the bar-tender and congregating with other patriots, you will definitely have to walk to the farthest bar and wait in a forever-long line just to avoid their overly loud dialogue and amateur attempt at Lenny Kravitz’s “American Women.” Why do these people go to festivals? They go to remind everyone just how great our country is, or to get drunk in public without anyone hassling them. GO ‘MERIKA!!!

The Hippies
Catchphrase: “Is that a cop?”
Most likely to be found at Burning Man.
Whether they’re lighting a blunt in front of your kids or leaving a trail of glittery feathers in their wake the hippies come in abundance. (Except their not really hippies because you know, it’s 2014.) The hippie is so baked they can’t distinguish people from police. If you try to be friendly with one of them expect paranoid glances and at best a peace-pipe offering. The hippie is always broke so hide your drink tickets. While they’re not the worst stereotype and can be fun to have around just know that in their eyes a conversation translates to “hey can I sleep on your couch tonight?” Ahhh to be a free loader,,,errr I mean spirit .

Make the most of your time in festival land and follow these simple tips for avoiding stereotypes. To avoid a mosher you can run across the pit to get closer to the stage, or trip them as they never look at their feet. To turn the camera mans role in your favor simply follow behind them and level up on your spot in the crowd. To distract the hipster talk about the band on the shirt their wearing, they will immediately become disgusted that you know their underground music and walk away.
To conquer the ‘Merika drunks start talking politics. (That will be a very short conversation.) To avoid the hippies, well let’s be honest, there is no avoiding the hippies.

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