Here lies Lariat editors
Ryan Kuhn
Lariat editor-in-chief Ryan Kuhn was killed by a mob of neglected significant others of Lariat staff members. The significant others, fed up with the long hours, irritability, and broken plans, surrounded the 23-year-old journalism major. He was then surrounded, dragged outside, dressed in a highly-flammable bear costume and set on fire by Kylee Clouse and Brittanie Rivoli, two bitter victims of Kuhn’s aggressive journalist style.
Kelsey Avers
Kelsey Avers, Lariat managing editor, died under mysterious circumstances Monday when she instantly exploded in response to the staff’s fourteenth cut story of the week. Authorities have ruled the death spontaneous combustion. Avers was 19.
Rodrigo Azurmendi
Lariat news editor Rodrigo Azurmendi drank himself to death at a bar Sunday night as a direct result of his ongoing battle with News Editor Syndrome. Azurmendi was diagnosed with NES five issues into the semester, and had since developed eighteen ulcers. His death marks the Lariat’s fifth causality of NES in the past three years. Azurmendi will be buried alongside former news editors Taryn Brunette and Elena Shaygan.
Ashleigh Johnson
Ashleigh Johnson, opinion editor, was the victim of her own creativity Sunday night when she was found stabbed to death with pencils, apparently by cartoon characters. While investigation is still underway, it is believed that the 20-year-old journalism major’s imagination turned against her when it caused the sketched suspects to come to life.
Janelle Green
Life editor Janelle Green was beaten to death Wednesday after popping a bag of popcorn in the Lariat newsroom. According to authorities, the suspect, reporter Paul Chacolla, snapped in response to the aroma of the artificial butter. Green was 18.
Cerise Ostrem
Cerise Ostrem, sports editor, died Friday in a freak slipper accident that ignited Southern California’s latest fire. The 20-year-old photojournalism major, who had not worn shoes for over three weeks, accidentally slung her father’s oversized slipper off her foot as she raced to her camera bag a women’s volleyball match. The slipper settled underneath the scoring table and, coming in contact with a bare wire, ignited the blaze.
Julian Williamson
Julian Williamson, assistant sports editor was found dead and dismembered following the previous night’s editorial board meeting. According to witnesses, Williamson was caught in the crossfire between sports editor Cerise Ostrem and news editor Rodrigo Azurmendi when the semester-long feud over Williamson’s talents for their perspective sections broke out into a literal tug-of-war over the journalist. Williamson was 20.
Katie Mastro
Katie Mastro was the first death ever recorded caused by knee-high socks. Police officials stated that the 17-year-old Lariat arts editor was done in by a restriction of blood flow to her brain due to the constricting elasticity of her prized flashy footwear. Her death went unnoticed by her fellow staff members for two days, due to her ability to work on her page layouts without the slightest of sounds.
Ana Castellanos
Ana Castellanos, health/finance/style editor, was found dead in the light of her computer’s Myspace page Friday morning. According to friends, the Myspace junkie killed herself after she was dropped from four people’s top friend’s lists, not receiving any messages or picture comments in a single day. Castellanos was 19.
Kara Willingham
Kara Willingham, showcase editor on the Lariat, was killed during a vicious primate attack on Tuesday. It was reported that 19-year-old Willingham had recently achieved her lifelong goal of owning a monkey, and the internet-order exotic pet turned out to be ill-tempered and pure evil. The ironic assault took place soon after Willingham dressed the 5 lb. animal in a custom-made sweater and matching hat.
Aaron Stein-Chester
Aaron Stein-Chester, photo editor, died Thursday of what paramedics ruled a “cuteness overload” that was triggered by his associate, Kara Willingham’s, pet monkey. The 22-year-old photographer, who had an unhealthy fondness for all things cute, reached critical cuteness levels when a purple sweater that read “Monkeying Around” was placed on the primate. Stein-Chester is survived by his brand new Cannon 40D camera.
Courtney Zupanski
The Lariat web designer was reported to have somehow uploaded herself onto the Saddleback newspaper’s website after a long day of inputting stories and pictures. It seems that the 17-year-old Internet guru accidentally spilled a bottle of water on her newsroom computer’s keyboard, which, as ’80s sci fi movies explain as “a trans-dimensional synergizing of human and machine.”