All is not as it seems in the Saddleback cafeteria.
This establishment has served up goodies for years, but starting in mid October, everything changed.
Overnight the food became riddled with worms, the sandwiches covered in flies and other critters.
Maggots infest fruit that gleams on the outside but reveals its horrid horde upon the first bite.
Rather than serving up chicken, rats roast rotisserie style in viewing windows and the smell of boiling putrescence assails those who dare enter the laboratory that has become the cafeteria.
Beakers and pots drip foul smelling, bubbling ooze onto stove tops littered with meat long since gone bad. These piles of refuse attract insects and other unsavory members of nature.
Rodents have begun a standing occupation of the cupboards, and viciously attack any student attempting to procure napkins or plastic silverware.
The smiling, helpful staff has vanished overnight to be replaced with ghouls and skeletons, grinning from bare or mutilated skulls as they serve up food that would have been excellent two weeks ago, but has long since rotted into a burnt brown pile of gunk that writhes on your plate that deters even the most voracious of football players.
This new staff no longer speaks to students, and refuses to answer even basic questions regarding the location of the lavatories and bookstore.
The worst is yet to be discovered, as those who are hungry enough to eat at the cafeteria often become frenzied zombies.
Once afflicted, former scholars morph into single-minded killing machines, intent only upon spreading their unholy ailment to the masses of prey that once were friends, family, and classmates.
Others who ate the tainted fare suffer from acute stomach aches and the desire to consume human flesh.
“I’m never eating there again.” Said Joey Stevens, 21, grave digging major. “My burger was not a burger, but a dilapidated compilation of rotten crap. Its smell was so bad that I had to toss it in the garbage right after my first bite.”
Numerous pleas for help have been sent to monster fighting heroes, but so far they have gone unnoticed of unheeded.
We can only hope and pray that the Gaucho, Saddleback’s historical protector, finds his head in time to save us before we all expire from this sub-health standard food.