A hurricane of chocolate

Riley Tanner
Some of the materials Count Chocola used in his scheme. (Lhoycel Teope)

Some of the materials Count Chocola used in his scheme. (Lhoycel Teope)

A hurricane of chocolate would be ideal in an ice cream sundae, but less so in a public restroom.

The janitorial staff has actively begun hunting the fugitive “Count” Chocula, as he has been vandalizing lavatories around Saddleback College throughout October.

While some may snicker and say chocolate is a lot more fun to clean up than the usual refuse that gathers in bathrooms, the staff is mortified and is forced to use up large amounts of lemon Pledge to clean the restrooms.

Opinions are mixed around campus, while some view Chocula’s actions as a harmless prank, others take a very different stance.

“It was horrible, he just kept spewing chocolate all over the bathroom. The floors, the walls, that sick sucker even got it on the ceiling,” Jenny Summers, 19, cryptozoology said. “The smell was overpowering. But the worst part is he looked directly into my eyes the whole time.”

Most people who witness the Count in action wind up in the hospital. Generally they are there because of the psychological trauma experienced from witnessing the Count’s exploits.

Victims do not experience physical harm, but viewing the manner in which Chocula defaces the facilities has undoubtedly traumatized at least twelve and a half students.

However, the janitors are made of sterner stuff.

“We’re gonna find him, and we’re gonna put a sharpened mop right through his dark-chocolate heart,” said Tony Danza, ex-actor and executive janitor in chief. “There is no way we can let a psycho like this keep destroying bathrooms.”

One can only hope that someone obtains video footage of the Count in action. Eye witnesses witness reports are considered unreliable as Chocula is a mythic creature.

He has been brought to court numerous times, but as the heir to the Van Chocolate fortune, he’s always managed to escape conviction due to his infamous and incalculably expensive lawyer, Johnnie Cochran.

“You must understand, my client is not a monster. He is an artist. He expresses himself in a unique way that others might not understand,” Cochran said. “This country was founded on the principles that freedom of expression is a right to be protected, not discarded based on some student’s views of what is and isn’t socially acceptable.”

Print Friendly, PDF & Email