Let’s get hypothetical. You’re a single, 20-something-year-old man who’s been bombarded for the last year with advertisements of this new phenomenon, “Fifty Shades of Grey.” In every coffee shop, bookstore, and even on your morning commute you can’t escape the hoards of heavy breathing, wide-eyed females clinging to that black-covered book with a single grey tie on it. It’s not just bored housewives reading it either, it’s tweens, curious husbands, and even one of your college professors who are eating this novel up.
Are you missing something? Is this why you’re still single? Do you simply not possess the sexual knowhow to please a modern day woman like the character, Christian Grey? What secrets does this book hold?
Clearly, you have to go see the movie, for research purposes, but what is a young single man to do, walk into the theater solo and have everyone think you’re a sadomasochistic-loving sex freak? Go with your mom? Here’s a guide for all those out there who want to know how to see “Fifty Shades of Grey” without being a major creeper. Results may vary.
1.) Visit RentAFriend.com
This is a real site, no joke. You can find people to do just about anything, including be your date, platonic or not. Your new “friend” may even waive their $10 an hour fee if they have the same awkward movie going dilemma. Lucky you. If you’re desperate, it’s worth it.
2.)Post an advertisement on Craigslist
You can even use this exact text for your ad:
“Young (male/female) looking for (male/female) companion for the night. Companion should have general interest in BDSM and not shy aware from awkward or uncomfortable situations. Bring $20 and meet in alley behind (local movie theater).”
Presto, instant movie date.
3.) Bring a baby
I know what you’re thinking, isn’t that creepy on a whole other level? Where am I going to find a baby on short notice? The answer is yes, if you don’t do it right, and I don’t know, an unattended stroller at the mall? If you or a loved one don’t have a baby of your or their own, I’m sure you can work something else out, but the important thing is, the child must be young enough to not remember or be emotionally scared by the goings-on onscreen. Think about it. You aren’t a creeper alone at a racy movie, you’re a single parent taking a second to relax in between your stressful day working and raising a child. No one in their right mind would bring a baby into that theater unless they couldn’t find a sitter. Single parent sympathy goes a long way.
4.) Insert yourself into a group
You walk into the theater and, sure, there are empty seats at an appropriate distance from other people, but you forego that natural instinct for personal space and sit right next to a couple, or even better, a group of friends. They might look at you like you’re a little odd, but everyone else in the movie will assume you’re with them and have lots of cool friends. Just make sure you don’t smell like a dead cow so they don’t collectively get up and move.
5.) Wear a wig
If it’s two platonic men going together and you’re feeling uncomfortable about it, one of you should dress up like a woman. Just imagine the sexy couple you’d make.
6.) Clearly state that you are there by accident
Walk into the theater and loudly state, “I’m so psyched to see Selma. MLK is such an inspirational figure in American history.” About 15 minutes in, say, “Wait is this Selma?” Forty-five minutes in, say “This isn’t Selma.” Sigh loudly, and settle in.
7.) Be fashionably late
Walk in after the previews have started and no one will notice you. Easy-peasy.
Male, female, single or not, anyone can use these tips to enhance their viewing experience this Valentine’s weekend and take the shady out of watching “Fifty Shades of Grey.” The movie opens in theaters this Thursday, February 12.